And though sharing my stories so publicly is up there with some of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had, I think it’s important to get these out. I can’t sit back and watch as others come forward to share their experiences, while I hide in the shadows with these secrets.
I am inspired…and in the spirit of helping push for change, it is an honor for me to share my experiences with you today…
I remember thinking, as I was growing up, how much simpler and peaceful my life would have been if I had just been born a boy. How many less warnings my parents would have felt the need to give me each time I started walking out the door… How many less restrictions I would have had, how much later I could have stayed out and played. How much easier I thought my life would have been. How many less scars might I have today?
“Be careful out there, watch your surroundings, don’t wear this or that, he’s staring at you – lets move over this way”… So many little things we’re told as little girls because no one wants to address what the conversation should really be about.
I remember being told once that if I wasn’t careful, I would end up being raped, murdered, hacked to pieces and spread out in the Florida canals in Tupperware containers. I was 14 years old.
Many times I was out with my mother and sister, shopping at some store, when one of them pulled me away and guided me to a different area of the store because some man was ogling me. I remember being so very angry that I always had to move away or adjust what I was doing because some grown a** man couldn’t control his gaze on a teenage girl.
I was always questioning my mother – I usually tried to make a point of calling them out on it in some way, much to my mother’s fear. It was this unspoken rule that you just didn’t do that – you moved along and made whatever adjustments you needed to in order to remove yourself from danger – instead of holding the person accountable for their own deplorable character flaws and unethical actions.
I remember walking home from the bus stop on several occasions where truckers would cat-call and honk at me. One particular day, there was a man driving some sort of sedan on the opposite side of the highway that stared at me for so long, he almost wrecked into another car at the red light. I was very clearly a teenage girl walking home from the bus stop WITH A BACK PACK.
My parents, being scared and not knowing what they could do to prevent something from happening, taught me to start yelling “JAIL BAIT” at offenders to try and bring them back to reality and stop them from staring at me.
When I hurt my achilles tendon and had to be on crutches for a week and a half, this boy decided to pounce. I was on crutches, carrying a back pack with only one strap, and somehow also managing to carry my clarinet case – on my merry way to shop class.
With both hands, Lester full on grabbed my butt, almost pushing me over. I was filled with so many emotions, mostly shock and rage, as everything I was carrying dropped to the ground, in the middle of the bustling hallway.
No one but Lester and I were aware of what even happened, or rather, no one spoke up or let on that they had seen anything.
My experiences with the men in public as well as the boys in school taught me that my body wasn’t my own, it was only meant for their own personal use / pleasure. Nor was it safe to dress or act how I wanted.
I remember trying to walk up the stair wells when I first started high school, wearing a skirt. Someone reached through the lower level to grab my butt from underneath. I had no earthly clue who even did it…and it was guaranteed that it wouldn’t be the last time.
Often times, through the hordes of students filing to class, boys would “accidentally” bump into my chest…some even would go so far as to full on grab both breasts, claiming they had tripped and fallen towards me. I once had a boy tell me to my face that I shouldn’t have worn a certain outfit or walked a certain way if I didn’t want to be chased and touched.
Berated with “HEY GIRL” everywhere I went – learning to completely tune them out – even when they became angry because they were of the assumption that they were Gods, and you couldn’t ignore their advances.
My very first serious relationship experience was literally the worst of all of.
It was my first kiss, ever, and I remember feeling that amazing fire burning deep within my soul. He was tall, strong and so very sweet… he had me hooked.
In time, driven by his own insecurities and a need to maintain control over me, I spent several years being physically, mentally and emotionally assaulted. I was too good for him – and he knew it – he had to use every means possible to keep me in a state of “I have no where else to turn”.
Over those years, there were several times where I realized how scary things were getting, and I tried to break things off. He would show up at my work (which made me quit my first real job after 2 weeks of working), my house, my classes…
He knew my schedule – and he made sure I KNEW THAT. I walked around school constantly hiding the bruises all over my arms and legs, entire hand prints on my throat from being slammed against a locker because I “said the wrong thing”. Constantly looking over my shoulder because I expected him to be following me (and he usually was). He would twist my words around, make me out to be a “bad girlfriend”, attack my friends for supposedly “coming on to me”.
I eventually pushed most of my friends away – I isolated myself entirely – under the guise that it was my responsibility to do so – I was “protecting” them. I took everything on alone, a sad and unconscious effort to minimize the outside sources which would cause me more pain and punishment.
Interesting how I could be surrounded by such a massive sea of people, yet feel so very alone.
In my freshman year of high school, this beast would force me to skip classes (under much duress) so that he could “have his way” with me. The day I lost all motivation to argue, fight or run, was the day the icy tendrils of those fateful words wrapped themselves around my still-beating heart: “If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to take it”. And so he did – aggressively.
And afterwards, he belittled me about how it didn’t mean anything to him at all… he laughed about it with his disgusting slimy friends who would later come up to me (on several occasions) just to ask me about it so they could laugh in my face.
At that time, people could see what was happening. Everyone could see it. I felt like I had no where to go, no where to turn…and if I left him, he’d kill me – or so I was told almost every single day. It’s why my parents began restricting me at home so badly – “if we keep her inside the house, at least we can protect her outside of school”.
So many years have passed since then, but those words are forever etched into my memory.
It was my “first time” – and because of his inability to control himself, it was forever tainted. Moments you can never get back in your life.
As I grew older, it broke my heart just listening to these “fairy tale” scenarios from my friends about their “first time”. It made me very angry for a very long time.
Every day, I questioned how many other girls / women I caused to experience this abuse from him after me. “If I had reported him, could I have stopped something from happening in the future.”
At the end of the day, I do still feel bad that he was never reprimanded for his actions…but I forgave myself…because I was a teenage girl who truly believed that speaking out would mean my own demise.
This isn’t about what we as women can do to prevent ourselves from being put in these situations.
It’s about educating our youth – it’s about teaching mutual respect and self-control. It’s about being honest about what is happening around us, holding people accountable for their actions in tangible ways, and being willing to get dirty, to start making some real, progressive and loving changes as a society.
It needs to be brought fully into the light.
To me, this f***ing conversation is LOOOONG overdue, and “we the people” are demanding that our freedoms, safety and security be defended as equally as ALL OTHERS – we are demanding real CHANGE.
…so here I am, sitting at work, feeling like the worst friend in the world… I was reminded by an amazing friend that this isn’t the case at all, that we all do the very best we can at each and every moment with the energy reserves we have available to us.
Today I questioned what type of person allows their work and/or personal problems to get in the way of their friend in need, and f***ing brain surgery…
Though I am sending Reiki healing, both from myself and within my online Reiki community, Violet Flame, and angelic support, somehow still, my lack of physical presence during her time of need weighs so very heavily on my soul.
But honestly, regardless of how I feel within this moment, today is not about me at all.
Today is about making sure Timmy the Tumor vacates this world, promptly, with no residual affects.
Today I ask this Universe to move Heaven and Earth to facilitate the highest outcome with full and complete healing.
I cannot imagine a world where my dearest roommate, soul sister, mentor and warrior goddess doesn’t exist. I refuse to acknowledge that as a possibility. Because it’s not.
Many a night this past week, I’ve spent shouting at the heavens thru streams of tears:
Because it’s not time yet. And this Universe will have to accept that this amazing angel of light will have to stick around this Earth plane for a lot longer.
I have never in my life struggled this hard putting into words what my heart, mind, soul and body want to express. So many things bumbling around in my brain… (Daily Prompt: Bumble)
So much to say about such an amazing person. Feeling so helpless to the process, wanting to jump in with both feet to rescue her from this journey. But that’s not what this is about either. This is her journey. I cannot “save her”…and I’m sure she’d resent it even if I did. Because she’s a f***ing WARRIOR. Warrior’s don’t need saved, they need fellow warriors to step up and stand as one unit. And they also can save themselves. I trust that this amazing woman knows exactly what her body needs to heal itself. Timmy the Tumor is being plucked out today, never to return! (Daily Prompt: Pluck)
But I’m still scared. Because this shit is scary. And I love this woman with every fiber of my soul. Every single day I’ve sent love, light and healing her way…trying my very best to keep my ridiculous fears contained and to myself.
We fight those demons with love and light, though it doesn’t make the fight any easier, it does surround the process with beauty and grace. We will bury the fear along with Timmy, and raise up the energies of this magical Earth to spread love and miracles, transmuting and transforming for the best possible outcome. (Daily Prompt: Bury)
Those who can be present and support one another just as much as they are supporting her in this process. I cannot fathom an outcome that doesn’t equal a full recovery with this much love, light and support from so many people across the country, hell, the world.
If anyone can help at all with Michele’s upcoming financial burdens during this journey…Please…any little bit will help… Fight with Michele
As my own personal offering, and a gift to those who can and do help my mentor and sister, when you donate, comment with #LemurianLightOracle and share it to my Facebook page (Lemurian Light Oracle), and I will reach out to you about either a free color reading, or a distance Reiki healing (your choice). My own way of showing gratitude for your compassion, kindness and assistance.
If anyone is out there that can send a little extra healing energy her way as well…please do…it is all so very greatly appreciated!
It would seem that everyone is experiencing a large amount of turbulence in their lives these days. As each day passes, something adds to the drama and stress of the day to day.
I’ve been feeling the weight of the barrage of seemingly negative occurrences as well. Recently it would seem the paths are all posted with signs saying, “whatever can go wrong…will”. I definitely wallowed in the negativity for awhile, because let’s face it, that’s the easiest choice there is.
Being awake, however, means working every single day to be aware of my thoughts and patterns… To remember that I’m on this Earth to learn from my experiences, not to hide away in the shadows, sobbing quietly.
I try to remind myself regularly that, though the negative vortex is so easy to fall back into, it’s far more rewarding to push myself past it…to transcend it through focused intent and a wonderfully supportive group of soul sisters/brothers.
With that as my introspective thought while flipping through the mermaid cards, the message they provided told me that now, more than ever, is the time to reconnect with ourselves.
To breath deep the radiant energy available to us all at anytime, if only we would take a moment to focus.
In that moment, truly focus your attention on how revitalized your body is becoming with the divine exchange of life-bringing energies.
Through this focused breath, we not only reconnect with ourselves, but we reconnect with the pure healing energy of Source / Creation / Earth herself.
By doing so, we keep ourselves grounded and centered, become more stable mentally and emotionally, and we are better able to handle what life sends our way.
One morning, my roommate attempted to compliment me about how thin and healthy I was looking. To which I proceeded to laugh / scoff, quite rudely… I didn’t intend to do so, it was the first reaction that I had and I couldn’t hold it in.
My other roommate instantly called me out on it and in that moment, I realized that perhaps that wasn’t the most polite or positive response. But I was not in a mindset that morning to hear “you don’t need to lose any more weight”.
The last 2 years I’ve been fighting with the last 20 lbs that just needs to get the f*** off of me. So to hear someone say “you don’t need to lose any more weight” just sort of sent me into a spiral of “you don’t know what I’m going through and how dare you tell me what I need or don’t need to do with my own body”.
Which of course was ridiculous… My dearest friends were providing loving and supportive words of encouragement, but I just couldn’t accept the possibility that they were speaking truth.
Sometimes even from those that were closest to me – “that makes you look like a cow” or “you’re such a skinny b****”.
At 14/15 years old, that sort of molds your mind to an understanding that being skinny isn’t good for you / won’t help you to fit in. Then I would go to school only to be bullied for supposedly having “thunder thighs”…
I even had a boyfriend at the time who used to pinch my stomach skin and make side-ways comments about how I’d been packing on the pounds. At the time, I probably only weighed 135-140 lbs (with substantial muscle – because I was very active and worked out every single day). I was thin, fit and perfectly sized for my height (5′ 4”).
At another very vulnerable point in my life (early 20s), I wasn’t in a safe place with safe people – at all (for about 7 years). I was being mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually abused as well as manipulated.
My feelings were never allowed to be expressed, if they were, somehow the situation became my fault and no honor or respect was given to what I was experiencing.
So, I shut down and began eating my feelings. At my worst, I was 220 LBs of emotional stuffing.
I am currently 160 LBs, though, you would think I weighed 550 lbs by the way I talk to myself internally. I am terribly mean and judgmental to my body.
The problem with losing so much weight? You end up with a lot of extra / loose skin that really just makes you feel like Jabba the Hut at the end of the day.
People have told me many times it’s just my mental image of my body, if you just get out there and wear a bikini, you’ll feel better. No. I won’t. Because I’ve got “fun bags” where my flat tummy used to be. I feel like a giant bowl of disgusting jello walking the streets – in disbelief that they even allow me in public.
I couldn’t fit into my family without being bigger, but I couldn’t fit in anywhere else because I was too fat. My entire life has been a struggle back and forth between “I’m eating too much” and “I need to eat more food”.
Now, that seems really harsh, but I’ve grown up with body issues.
I actually spent a year not realizing that I was consistently starving myself because I felt too guilty to consume food. Then I would binge. Then I would starve. Then I would binge…and so on.
Over the years, I’ve gotten better at catching myself in “starvation mode” before it gets too far. But I continue to struggle with this idea of “accepting my body as it is”, instead of holding unrealistic expectations, knowing that I’ll have to “punish my body” for “failing me” yet again.
I teeter back and forth from starving myself to the point of excruciating stomach pains / almost passing out to over-stuffing (because of starvation mode), followed by total self-shaming which then leads to the new punishment of starvation to make up for the over-eating.
Nothing is ever quite good enough as far as the work I put in. I recently convinced myself that I couldn’t get back into the one thing I really loved doing (running) because I had clearly become too fat and unfit. I decided that I had clearly gone from weighing 145 lbs to 160 lbs (in a month).
Every time I look at myself, I notice how terribly flabby and fat “I am”. I’ve had a gym membership for the last year – I’ve gone once. Because I believe I’m too terribly un-presentable for the public eye that I couldn’t possibly go into a public gym until I get back into running and get a few pounds off.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see what other people see, I see 220 lb me crying and sobbing for someone to pull me out of my own skin and save me from this terrible body shaming nightmare.
How is it that after 6 years of having all of that weight off, that I still can’t see anything different when I look in the mirror?
These past few months have been rather tumultuous and emotional for me, lots of old things coming up to be healed – patterns to be broken. This particular wave of clearing comes after moving through a chakra course with a fantastic group of soul sisters.
I’ve done so much work – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – yet somehow, those results seem to fail to make it to that mirror / reflection. I can only see the flaws, the flabs, the stretch marks, the double chin, the signs of aging…you name it, I’ll find a flaw for it.
I was doing a bit of homework the other day – listening to a shamanic drumming & an OM chanting meditation while I focused on the root chakra. After a few minutes, I found I was distracted, suddenly I am researching work-outs and Pilates for belly fat, weight loss, toning, etc.
It’s a catch-22. You can never win or be happy when you’re caught in that cycle.
The key, I’ve found, is daily gratitude and acts of self-love. It’s so much harder for your mind to wander into the field of negativity when you’re bombarding it with positive thoughts and feelings. You start to recognize all of the little things in your life that make everything so magical in this Universe.
I’m so very grateful to be alive, I’m truly blessed to have so many supportive people in my life as I move through these old patterns. And I know in my heart that nothing can ever change for the better without that action.
This past week, instead of focusing on what I have / have not eaten, I chose to just eat properly and not dwell on anything at all.
Making salads and smoothies, smaller portions, less alcohol, sugar and caffeine. And “somehow”, I now feel like my energy level is much higher – maybe even high enough to get back into running!
So, in this moment, I choose to stop “struggling” in the vast ocean of shadows and unknown outcomes, of negative thoughts about my reality which only cause more pain…
I choose to open and heal my heart of these old, old wounds, to balance mind, body & soul.
I choose internal peace …
but by taking positive actions towards my goals …
Lies and stories that once served your soul as a protective measure – these things can’t serve us well anymore.
– to acknowledge the old wounds without judgments –
it’s the best and most important thing that we can do for ourselves right now.
The other morning I was feeling a little ornery. I had gone to bed without dinner the night before and crashed for about 12 hours. I woke up super restless at about 4 AM, went back to bed for another hour of frustratingly flopping around…until finally I squeezed another hour of sleep in.
When I was about to walk out the door that morning – coffee in hand – my roommate informs me that “this week is a good week to reach out to your congressmen / women about the new health care system”. I try not to get sucked into the political drama…but I thought, if this is important to my roommate, it’s important for me to hear the situation out. As you can imagine, I wasn’t exactly in the best head space to absorb this information – and I am also not a morning person on a regular day.
The reasons why I should reach out to these representatives didn’t sound any different from the crappy way things are currently set up to begin with, except that now the rich are getting more breaks and the poor are getting even more f***ed than before.
The kind that no matter how much side-stepping you do, it follows you… ever looming and pressing.
Eventually, the following thoughts came through about this entire situation:
“My voice doesn’t matter in this current system. Not to say that my voice doesn’t matter, however, fighting the same fight against the same system over and over still hasn’t brought any actual progressive and positive changes (just a taste here and there to keep us complacent). I don’t see why smashing my head against a political wall is going to help anyone except those running this current system, laughing at the futility of our efforts…
My voice does matter… but they don’t want to hear it. My soul brothers and sisters hear me without my even speaking a single word. Actions and souls speak louder.
My soul reaches for other souls, not words or laws. These laws can’t hold me down.
These new rules and regulations can’t hold me down.
I fully believe that as beings of light and love, we have the power to change the entire course of our future by working from within. Not by stretching ourselves and our energies so thin or by getting so twisted and worked up about the symptoms that are popping up all over the place that we forget how to move within the shadows. These are all results of our connected consciousness. We each need to focus more on ourselves, our hearts, our souls, our head spaces…if we all did our part, these external symptoms would change.
And I don’t mean calling a Senator each and every day (though if you feel you need to, go for it). None of these people are acting from a level of consciousness that would be a conduit for REAL change. They care whether or not they’ll get another vote from you when the time comes around so they can continue being complacent in their own jobs, accepting pay-offs and HUGE pay checks to sit back and watch the world burn around them. I’m done buying into this nonsensical system.
Shift the internal sources and the results displaying externally will shift. You have all of the power in the Universe to shift your own reality. At this point, I would appreciate it if those that don’t feel this way would stop trying to pull me back into the negative cloud of drama that they are intentionally feeding everyone to keep them distracted, angry, sad, upset, stressed, tired and frustrated.
Though, I am also completely understanding and compassionate that people will continue to perpetuate this pattern until they are triggered enough to finally face their shadows and address the REAL issues.
I plan to continue focusing on working on my own issues and watching as the entire Universe shifts to accommodate.
I trust that the Universe has a Divine plan for all of this nonsense. I trust that if I continue to do my part of the work, things will shift for the better. I trust that eventually everyone else will begin to see this and do the same… but I also remain aware that this is a slow process and that it’s best not to hold expectations or create time lines.
That said, there is indeed an interesting balance that needs to be kept with remaining conscious and aware of the events unfolding around us while simultaneously being detached enough so as not to be pulled into the many whirlwinds of fear and hate.
Reflections of past…present…future…
Two souls entangled in love…in pain…in tears…
Each Sacred, each Divine…
One full of compassion…confusion…fear…
The other lost in ego…anger…resentment…
One wonders what could’ve been…if the other could’ve changed…
The other asks ‘why me’…‘what punishment is this’…
They can never go back…
Wounds so lovingly inflicted…
Both and neither are truly to blame…
The end of a contract…a soul agreement…
A voice in the wind softly whispered…‘never the same…never the same…’
Much Love & Light,
Firstly…let me apologize to those who were left hanging on a branch, anxiously awaiting the next piece of wisdom or introspective discussion. I’ve been working very hard these last few months on my own path of self-improvement (and certifications!).
I’m excited to finally say that I am a certified Usui Reiki Master but even more excited to announce that another Reiki certification is in the works (Crystal Reiki Master). I’m working very hard to learn everything I can so that I can share my knowledge, wisdom, energy and joy with all of you.
In the next year, there will be an online course available which will go through each of the Archangels that I’ve chosen especially for this purpose. The course will teach you everything you need to know about each of these magnificent energetic beings as well as how you can begin the process of honoring and calling on them within your day to day lives.
Each video will be Reiki charged for a specific purpose, and I’ll explain that in more depth within the video as well. There will be a focused meditation where you will receive the full extent of the Reiki healing energy as well as the healing energies of the Archangels. This course should be life-changing and transformative for those that are ready to really dig in and connect.
Because I’m working with the Archangels, I also feel the need to state that, though this would likely be “extra enjoyable” for those following a certain religion, this course is in no way at all geared towards any specific religion and will not be pushing any beliefs…
I intend to create a safe place for those that wish to experience powerful healing energies and aren’t closed to certain modalities based purely on religious beliefs. All religions are respected and honored. Energy is energy and has no ‘religious boundary’.
Feel free to email / contact me with any questions or comments. I welcome everyone’s input and opinions, things you’d like to see added in the Archangel’s course/meditations or maybe your interested in a different sort of course…if so, let me know what it is! I love encompassing new modalities and energies into my practices.
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written a blog. I’ve been really busy being productive, learning new things and coming up with new ideas that I can share with you all! 😊
I wanted to ask those who are interested to take a few minutes to answer a few questions, and leave me some feedback.
It’s just two questions and a comment field and it would really help me determine what my next steps will be.
Keep in mind that the programs mentioned would be offered both in person as well as virtually, and all include Reiki energy.
Thank you so very much and please feel free to shoot me an EMAIL any time with questions or helpful input.
I’m going to be straight forward… These last few months have been mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually challenging on so many levels. The moment I felt I could catch my breath, I was thrown right back into some other tumultuous life lesson. To say the least, my energy is very low, I feel very drained…but not in a bad way. I am eternally grateful for the lessons I learned, and the growth that these whirlwinds of energy cleared a path for. Now is just the time for a brief rest and some introspective reflection on my path so far.
That said, I’m writing this post to reflect on the cleansing affect that a rainstorm truly has for us, if we open our hearts and allow ourselves to receive it.
Today, after many moments of “am I angry or about to cry…”, a very large and vocal summer storm started rolling in. At first the sky became a dark, smokey black and the trees began to bend with the wind. A light sprinkle, an ominous rumble. I smiled. Every fiber of my being wanted to be outside in that rain.
Since I was very little, storms were calming to me…the cool breeze, the feeling of water showering down from the heavens… I believe it’s cleansing for the entire body, right down to the soul… Divine little blessings of love, joy, peace, comfort, protection and light within each little droplet. I imagine that their energetic blessings are immediately connected with my soul as each drop splashes onto the surface of my body.
I found myself sitting in the rain for at least twenty minutes today. Feeling the heavens bless me with it’s cleansing energy…feeling the old feelings and negative energies being washed away, right where I stood. I cried a little…I paced around…I sat contemplatively…I splashed through puddles…I was within those moments, completely present with myself and how I needed to process these energies – my silence within a thunderstorm.
I am so eternally grateful for this connection with the storms and I highly recommend it to anyone willing to brave it themselves (do be careful of lightning though – always be cautious and safe)!
I will also be providing a meditation related to this same thing very soon – stay tuned! 🙂