Ironically, I pulled these cards for the blog about 2 months ago. I think these cards may have been foreshadowing my necessary retreat in order to reestablish my independence and determination, to reignite my spark and passion. I sat and stared at the screen for hours (over several days) and absolutely nothing came to me as to what I would write about them. Days turned into weeks and I got a bit derailed…
I would love to say that I’ve been slacking but that honestly just wouldn’t be the case. Between trying to make some money to pay the bills and feeling like the darkness would finally overwhelm me, the blog post ended up on the back burner. It’s so difficult when you’re in the midst of that dark, swirling vortex of negative thoughts, emotions and patterns, to uplift yourself.
Every day is a new test of strength and commitment to myself while I experience all the affects of anxiety and PTSD. Some days are much worse than others, but mostly I’m very happy to survive a day with minimal anxiety and tension. I’m plagued almost daily by massive migraines and sleepless nights, fearing that the moment I close my eyes, I will again have to bare witness to another possible way for me to be murdered or attacked brutally.
It almost begins to feel like your brain has started to work against you. The less sleep you have, the more you are susceptible to anxiety and strange visuals, but the more you try to sleep, the more your brain fights it.
You begin to take any opportunity to keep your brain busy that you can…mindless entertainment, endless Facebook scrolling and video watching…even just sitting in the dark listening to loud and obnoxious music until day begins to break.
Anything that will keep those thoughts away from you…anything to get relief from it for a few hours.
Just a few days ago, I experienced one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time. The kind that keep you from breathing…piling on extra panic because you begin to fear you’ll suffocate. I was literally curled up on the floor of my room, in the dark…unable to even sob because that would require oxygen, which I was quickly running out of. Every cell in my body was reacting in fear of the worst (death). Everyone tells you to focus on your breathing when you begin to have a panic attack…I feel like this is advice from someone who has never really experienced one.
For me, breathing is the worst possible thing for my brain be focused on during an attack…I become so focused on how little my lungs are filling with air, that I am worse off than I was in the first place. I tried to focus on little things in my room…a crystal sitting on the edge of my desk, the fish swimming around in my tank, the ceiling fan…anything that isn’t my breath or my anxiety. That said, it’s really hard when you’re in the midst of feeling like the entire world is crumbling around you to focus on anything except the debris and fear.
I am truly thankful for the people in my life who try so very hard to understand what I’m going through and do their very best to help and support me but I know in my heart that this is a hurdle that only I can carry myself over, once and for all.
People often handout their bits of advice of how you should handle your anxiety…I honestly believe they’re trying their best to help with the understanding that they have…but I feel that every single person’s anxiety is specific to them. There isn’t one true way to handle anxiety, PTSD or a panic attack – the reason for a person even having these disorders differs from case to case, so their reactions and triggers are totally unique to them. There is a bit of a stigma around “PTSD”, that only combat veterans are susceptible to the disorder, but I – and many other men and women – are a testament to how vast and expansive the disorder can really be.
A person could develop PTSD from extended exposure to high levels of stress within an office job – maybe a boss that is constantly flying off the handle – there are those who are rape victims, people who have witnessed any sort of violence, and the list goes on. Anyone who’s psyche has been pushed to a point of terror for their life (for whatever reason) is susceptible to developing this disorder – it’s all about how a person’s brain and body react to whatever situation they are in.
I myself do not believe in medicating to “fix” my disorder (but that’s just my personal choice)…I truly wish to heal the root of the problem, not mask it or put myself into a fog, just pretending it’s not an issue anymore. I will say, however, that this approach has by far been the most difficult path I’ve ever taken in my life. Every day I wonder if it would just be easier to go to a doctor and get some pills to numb it. The problem is, I fear using pills to numb myself from a disorder that is literally already numbing me. How numb can a person become before they are considered to be a walking, talking, breathing zombie?
I want to heal the emotional trauma, not just the physical. That’s where my interest in the metaphysical and universal energies has come in to play. Since the day I began researching and learning, connecting with my soul, my emotions, my body, and with source, my anxieties have been greatly lessened. The number of panic attacks I have now compared to 5 years ago have been more than cut in half.
The key I’ve found is that when you begin to deal with your emotional baggage, heal your old wounds and open your heart…little by little…the anxiety begins to flake away. The more you love and honor yourself (and your feelings), the less you will feel angry, anxious and fearful. Now I work to find the patience to stay on this path, to remain steadfast in my healing journey, knowing that the 100% fix isn’t going to happen overnight, or even in the next 3 years.
The main point was to make a blog post but to do so from a place of truth and vulnerability. A way to explain why it’s been so long but also with the hope that someone reading this could be helped in knowing that they aren’t alone with their own anxiety or PTSD.
I would urge anyone who feels like they are struggling alone to reach out to someone (friend/family) and express yourself.
And if you feel like there is no one you can reach out to…PLEASE contact me! I don’t want anyone in this world to feel like they are suffering alone. It’s hard enough having gone through whatever trauma you’ve gone through, but in the aftermath, to feel like you are isolated and alone…It breaks my heart more than anyone could ever know.
For those out there that know someone who is suffering with anxiety or PTSD…know that sometimes the best thing you can do is lend your ear…listen to their problems, fears and worries. Know that just because this person seems to refuse every invitation you extend to them, they still love you wholeheartedly, it only means that they can’t handle being around others because it causes far too much stress and anxiety for them.
Thank you for reading and understanding my message today.
Much love and light to you all…….and more blog posts going forward!!!
❤ Emily Shultz ❤
The question posed to the ‘Oracle of the Mermaids’ and ‘Angels of Atlantis’ today was about a strong feeling of ‘lack’ in the area of emotional support. Above are the cards that wanted to share their beautiful messages on this subject today.
Message from the Guidebook
The video below from YouTube is a very quick and beautiful way to sit in the energy of Sandalphon, with divine love and music.
Message from the Guidebook
“Your spiritual progression is not about becoming happy 24 hours a day. It’s becoming willing to feel. So, it’s not that we feel better, it’s that we start to be willing to FEEL MORE. So, we get better at feeling, rather than feel better…” ~ Teal Swan ~
I sense that both mighty Sandalphon and the mystical Selkie came together to answer the I question posed in such a divine dance of love, support, wisdom and guidance.
Sandalphon urges us to dig deep into our feelings and emotions, to honor them and to stand in integrity…to be entirely open with ourselves, reminding us that we will never truly heal the deepest wounds we have if we are afraid of what feelings are lying in wait. We must examine ourselves and take the necessary steps to get back into alignment with our feelings, with who we truly are…who we wish to be at our core.
It’s time to take the mask down…to be honest with yourself and honor what you are feeling, even if the triggers are from old wounds…the only way you’ll begin to find these things and heal them is by opening yourself up.
The Selkie brought the message that we cannot continue to block out the old issues and wounds because we are afraid that feeling those things will cause us to break or collapse. She reminds us that we are much stronger than we could ever imagine and urges us to also dig deep within.
Both Sandalphon and the Selkie ask us to remember who we are, that the ’emotional support’ we seek can only radiate from within… to remember that we are connected with this planet in such a beautiful and organic way, that we are just as strong as the Earth and Sun themselves, if only we remain willing to stand in that power…to stand tall in integrity and true authenticity…to bathe in the light of divine love as we allow ourselves to live and be free.
This morning I asked for the mermaid’s advice on a personal crisis that I’ve been experiencing (from Oracle of the Mermaids – Lucy Cavendish). These three lovely beauties hopped right out from the deck the moment I focused on my question – ‘how can I best handle this situation?’.
On the surface, the cards are whispering a gentle message that I have a support system, that I must allow them to show me the universal mirror, and that I am embarking on a powerful spiritual journey that will lead to many new opportunities for growth and self-discovery.
So, here’s a deeper look at each of the cards, their messages and a bit of my own input…
~ 1 ~
“GUIDE: A guide, mentor, a trustworthy ally.”
Lucy Cavendish‘s Guidebook states that the best guides “are those who create strength within“ and that I will continue to test the waters with many guides, throughout my life, that may or may not resonate with me.
It may also mean a new guide will be arriving soon to help heal and protect; they will be completely and unconditionally loving as well as understanding, helping me to adapt and evolve on this journey.
I’m instructed to keep an open ear and an open mind, but to also be discerning and mindful of how quickly I trust a new guide, to pay close attention to their energy and how I feel. After a while of testing the waters, they will reveal their true intentions and a wonderful new partnership on my spiritual path will unfold.
~ 2 ~
“THE MIRROR: “Know thyself, self-examination, seeing who you really are.”
This card provided a beautiful and profound lesson that really stuck with me:
We are reminded again that “…sometimes, we do not always like the truth of what we see in this dark mirror.”
This card can also indicate that I mustn’t hold on to negativity about who I think I am or be so afraid of what I will see when I take that deep gaze within. This is a beautiful process, a way to truly love ourselves unconditionally. It is a great sign of strength to be willing to look into the mermaid’s magical mirror so that “we may see what is hidden to the eye of the body, but known to the eyes of the soul…”
~ 3 ~
“IMRAMMA: Wonder voyage, crossing deep waters, pilgrimage, journey of the soul.”
‘Imramma’ is an old word used by the Irish to describe a hero’s sea journey to the ‘Otherworld’ (like Odysseus) and it’s been said that the seashore is actually the border between our world and the God’s.
In essence, the term ‘Imramma’ describes the soul’s journey, an undertaking only attempted by those who truly wish to fulfill their destiny and experience adventures beyond their wildest dreams. It is an initiation of sorts, for our souls to evolve and expand.
The mermaids seemed to be warning that I am not properly addressing my emotions and am disconnecting myself from them as an avoidance tactic.
They are urging me to stop the division between my head and my heart, urging that this will be a crucial aspect of my Imramma. With their loving assistance, I will be guided and supported on my soul’s journey.
This one actually hit the nail right on the head for me. Growing up, I learned that expressing my emotions generally only led to more hurt and distress. For a long time I refused to acknowledge my “lesser” feelings because I saw them as a sign of weakness. In these past few years, as I began my awakening, I slowly but surely worked towards rediscovering myself, my feelings, and my soul. This is no small task and I am no way close to considering the process “complete”.
The past few weeks alone have been extremely intense and tumultuous. Truly the biggest crashing wave of emotions and chaos that I have ever experienced in my life up to now. It was not in any way easy to find what underlying emotions were causing this situation, my thoughts and feelings. To stay calm, centered and non-reactive so that I could continue to flow and prosper.
I also pulled a Goddess oracle card and received ‘Medusa’. The story is that Medusa was a priestess of a temple who had taken a vow when she had relations with Poseidon and broke her sacred vow of celibacy. This angered Athena into turning her into the ‘monster’ we’ve perceived her to be for so long. One look within her eyes would freeze a man and turn him to stone. As the story goes, when she was killed, Pegasus rose from her blood.
The message that Medusa shares today is that we should never allow the fear of what we might see in the mirror cause us to freeze and turn to stone. So much synchronicity, that both the Mermaids and Medusa shared the message of fearlessly facing into the mirror, to openly consider our emotional baggage, to see our gifts just as clearly as we would see our flaws.
My life has been a challenging journey so far, but I honestly wouldn’t want to go back to change one thing about it. Each hardship endured, each goal and achievement reached has made me the person I am now, in this moment.
Admittedly, for awhile it seemed that the whirlwind of negativity was out of control. And I believe that it probably was, at least for a little while. Failed relationships, broken hearts, stress and loss from every perceived angle. It was very easy to play the victim for some time. Without those experiences though, I would never have truly understood how difficult it is for someone suffering from anxiety, depression and PTSD to simply relax and be present. To struggle in remaining spiritually in tune and even to meditate for more than five minutes. When any unexpected noise jolts you from your focus and throws you into a terrorized fight mode. To jump out of your skin over something as innocent as a car door…heart racing, hands shaking, irrationally fearful that someone is going to attack you. Some days you just pray for an end to it all, in whatever way is necessary. Those that haven’t been through the experience will never truly be able to understand it. So for that, I am thankful…another layer of compassion activated, a new and unique way to understand the suffering of others.
Thankfully we are surrounded by loving soul sisters and brothers to remind us of our divinity and strength. To shine a light in our darkness and gently guide us toward our truths. I am so grateful for all of these souls, even the negatively perceived ones, because we learn so many valuable things about ourselves that way.
The biggest lesson I’ve come to is that you must always be 100% transparent and honest about your feelings, especially in a romantic relationship. You can’t bottle all of your feelings up or try to mask yourself to fit other’s perceptions and expectations of who you are or who you should be. If you don’t have any love or respect for yourself, you can always expect that others will disrespect you. If you never set any boundaries with others, they will always be crossed.
The only way you will ever be with the right person, the one who will really help you reach the stars and stretch beyond all your limitations, is by being who you truly are and allowing them the same. Being kind but truthful. Embodying everything you love and hold dear on every step of your path, never faltering because of someone else’s opinions, but doing so from a place of love, compassion and honor. Knowing that your thoughts and words 100% dictate how your life progresses, the people and situations you attract, puts the power of positivity back in your own hands. The power to direct your life in a direction that makes your heart expand, your soul stretch and your feet dance.
This life is full of joy, love and peace because that is who we are, if only we will remember with our hearts instead of our minds. We can only truly heal one another by understanding and empathizing with other’s feelings. This is my purpose in this life…opening the doorways to hidden feelings in order to heal and cure the physical manifestations they’ve become.
I believe there is no single true way of healing, no “cure-all”. We are all multifaceted and multidimensional beings requiring different techniques to heal our complex souls.
I believe a powerful healing combination exists amongst the herbs, teas, crystals, scents and colors. Because of this, I am also a bit of a dabbler in many healing techniques. There are so many wonderful gifts on this beautiful planet of ours, each having a uniquely divine purpose and message to share, if only we open our hearts to listen.
I am also entirely open to learning and receiving new methods of healing.
Badger is my totem animal, an amazing creature that fiercely defends their home (Earth), very wise in the ways of herbs and
plants, as well as highly observant, inquisitive and aware of their surroundings at all times.
I would like this blog to be a haven for open discussions of natural healing thru subjects that feed the heart and soul. A fantastic knowledge base that people can refer to so that all may reap the benefits of nature’s healing wisdom. The insights I share will likely be very raw but full of truth and love in the hopes that it will reach others and heal the parts of their hearts that have been sealed off from the world.
So please, come sit with me, have some tea, and listen to the whispers in the trees.
It’s often a bittersweet sort of funny when we are forced to face our worst fears. You are challenged, in the blink of an eye – do you stand with integrity and accept where you may have made mistakes, or do you hide away and make excuses for why things went the way they did, how you’re the victim and it could never have been your fault?
I’ve grown so very tired over the years of trying to make excuses for every little thing. It’s so much more freeing, and HONORABLE, to step up to your mistake. “I’m sorry” doesn’t negate the source of pain inflicted… This is something I try to remind myself every day. You must act with integrity and kindness, be aware of how your actions and words ripple out to those around you. “I’m sorry” doesn’t fix a broken glass, it doesn’t heal an open wound, and it doesn’t actually take any words back. Speak with truth, not from a place of ego or hurt.
I truly believe that if we stopped building so many defensive walls around ourselves, our hearts, our world would be much much more peaceful and compassionate. We’ve spent so many years as children being trained that it wasn’t safe to be vulnerable, that the moment you showed weakness, the lions would move in for the kill. Maybe at some point in your life, like mine, that was a valid reaction and did indeed save you from a hungry pride of lions. Eventually though, that mindset becomes outdated and stale. The same patterns that once literally kept you alive, are really just causing untold amounts of toil and strife within your soul.
Convinced of these egotistical lies built around your isolation as well as the ease and perceived “comfort” of playing the victim. I love me. And there is nothing wrong with loving myself as long as it is from a place of self-respect and self-worth, not from a place of selfishness and attention seeking.
Imagine if you experienced something terrible, but when you went about your day, every person you ran into was kind, outgoing, polite, considerate and even loving…
Regardless of what they had experienced on their path so far.
I’ve often found that reminding myself that the guy next to me might have just received terrible news about his home, or that the woman in the supermarket is grieving so deeply that she isn’t aware of her surroundings at all..
It is my honest belief that this is how we are supposed to act, as a species. We were meant to support and uplift each other.
Both distance and time are irrelevant human constructs to help us cope with the day to day patterns. Part of our never-ending need to label and categorize everything, so that there will be no “unknowns”.
The only limitations we truly have on this Earth, are the ones we place on ourselves. For example, I can connect with you the same way from Florida as I would from Greece (via energetic means).
If I really focus I can feel what another person is feeling just by thinking about it consciously but especially when I’m face to face with someone. For me, it can be a bit overwhelming at times but it truly is both a blessing and a curse. Because of it, I have a better understanding of what people are feeling even if they don’t quite know how to put it into words themselves yet. When someone is lying or avoiding saying something to me, I might not know what or why, but I can sense something is amiss. The “curse” comes in when this relates to the people close to you. I myself have been in the process of learning to shield myself and prevent this connection from happening “unknowingly”, for me, part of the awakening process is learning which gifts you have, and how / when to use them appropriately.
As children, a lot of us were always told things like: “you’re being silly” ~ “you’re being too sensitive” ~ or ~ “you’re just seeing things / making things up”. Now is the time to break away from those old statements that shut us down and made us feel useless, gift-less or unworthy of love.
Now is the time to spread your wings freely as these sweeping winds of change carry you, unshackled by false stories, into this new age of divine love and light. Only compassion, understanding and peace can continue from this point on.
The negative will always be a factor, because this Universe has and always will be about balance. But it’s also about balancing your own emotions and reactions; when you are triggered, your response is the key to your own healing. If you respond with the old pattern of “react from a place of ego and hurt before you evaluate”, you will perpetuate the negativity.
Instead, try to take a moment – step away from the situation, evaluate how you could react in a compassionate way. Look closely at WHY the situation even triggered such a powerful internal / emotional response in the first place. In that moment, you are choosing to stand with integrity and honoring your own emotions while simultaneously honoring the person next to you. Be grateful to them for triggering you – for being such a powerful reflection for you – for being the catalyst so that you could finally heal the old pattern. These are often the ones you most need to heal, things you’ve buried and hidden so deeply beneath the surface of your conscious awareness that the only way for it to come to the light was by that interaction.
We walk around with soul agreements which basically state that I will interact with you in this way to intentionally trigger you, to provide you with an opportunity for healing and compassion.
You may fail. Several times.
But the situation will continue to be triggered until you finally address it from a place of centered focus and love, instead of irritation / victim / anger / hate / fear.
Try to remember that a ‘failure’ is still just a lesson being learned – we all reach our breaking / rebuilding point at different stages.
Not one single human being on this planet is perfect. We all try our hardest and do the best we can… We all deserve forgiveness and compassion, especially those struggling the most.
My feelings and experiences are 100% valid, but to have personal integrity, I have to ask myself, what sort of person do I want to be?
Do I want to be ruled by fear of future hurt by opening myself up to someone or do I want to be an example of true strength in stepping up to the potential for hurt with a warm heart, accepting whatever comes my way…?
We truly are in this ride for the long haul, and here we are unconsciously making it harder for ourselves and others simply because we are clueless to the laws of attraction / the universe.
However, all is not lost because more are awakening to the truth of it all. More are hungry for knowledge and wisdom then ever before. More love flows from the hearts of those around us then we could ever have even conceived two or three years ago.
People lifting one another up instead of kicking them down.
I know in recent days, it hasn’t seemed that this planet has become all that ‘enlightened’. Quite the contrary though… Remember, things usually get worse just before they take a turn for the better. The tests will always get harder the further you excel.
Only we can help ourselves towards the loving and beautiful planet we all envision in our minds. Purely by envisioning it collectively, we’ve set the ball in motion…the only piece that is missing is the ‘positive’ action.
One morning, my roommate attempted to compliment me about how thin and healthy I was looking. To which I proceeded to laugh / scoff, quite rudely… I didn’t intend to do so, it was the first reaction that I had and I couldn’t hold it in.
My other roommate instantly called me out on it and in that moment, I realized that perhaps that wasn’t the most polite or positive response. But I was not in a mindset that morning to hear “you don’t need to lose any more weight”.
The last 2 years I’ve been fighting with the last 20 lbs that just needs to get the f*** off of me. So to hear someone say “you don’t need to lose any more weight” just sort of sent me into a spiral of “you don’t know what I’m going through and how dare you tell me what I need or don’t need to do with my own body”.
Which of course was ridiculous… My dearest friends were providing loving and supportive words of encouragement, but I just couldn’t accept the possibility that they were speaking truth.
Sometimes even from those that were closest to me – “that makes you look like a cow” or “you’re such a skinny b****”.
At 14/15 years old, that sort of molds your mind to an understanding that being skinny isn’t good for you / won’t help you to fit in. Then I would go to school only to be bullied for supposedly having “thunder thighs”…
I even had a boyfriend at the time who used to pinch my stomach skin and make side-ways comments about how I’d been packing on the pounds. At the time, I probably only weighed 135-140 lbs (with substantial muscle – because I was very active and worked out every single day). I was thin, fit and perfectly sized for my height (5′ 4”).
At another very vulnerable point in my life (early 20s), I wasn’t in a safe place with safe people – at all (for about 7 years). I was being mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually abused as well as manipulated.
My feelings were never allowed to be expressed, if they were, somehow the situation became my fault and no honor or respect was given to what I was experiencing.
So, I shut down and began eating my feelings. At my worst, I was 220 LBs of emotional stuffing.
I am currently 160 LBs, though, you would think I weighed 550 lbs by the way I talk to myself internally. I am terribly mean and judgmental to my body.
The problem with losing so much weight? You end up with a lot of extra / loose skin that really just makes you feel like Jabba the Hut at the end of the day.
People have told me many times it’s just my mental image of my body, if you just get out there and wear a bikini, you’ll feel better. No. I won’t. Because I’ve got “fun bags” where my flat tummy used to be. I feel like a giant bowl of disgusting jello walking the streets – in disbelief that they even allow me in public.
I couldn’t fit into my family without being bigger, but I couldn’t fit in anywhere else because I was too fat. My entire life has been a struggle back and forth between “I’m eating too much” and “I need to eat more food”.
Now, that seems really harsh, but I’ve grown up with body issues.
I actually spent a year not realizing that I was consistently starving myself because I felt too guilty to consume food. Then I would binge. Then I would starve. Then I would binge…and so on.
Over the years, I’ve gotten better at catching myself in “starvation mode” before it gets too far. But I continue to struggle with this idea of “accepting my body as it is”, instead of holding unrealistic expectations, knowing that I’ll have to “punish my body” for “failing me” yet again.
I teeter back and forth from starving myself to the point of excruciating stomach pains / almost passing out to over-stuffing (because of starvation mode), followed by total self-shaming which then leads to the new punishment of starvation to make up for the over-eating.
Nothing is ever quite good enough as far as the work I put in. I recently convinced myself that I couldn’t get back into the one thing I really loved doing (running) because I had clearly become too fat and unfit. I decided that I had clearly gone from weighing 145 lbs to 160 lbs (in a month).
Every time I look at myself, I notice how terribly flabby and fat “I am”. I’ve had a gym membership for the last year – I’ve gone once. Because I believe I’m too terribly un-presentable for the public eye that I couldn’t possibly go into a public gym until I get back into running and get a few pounds off.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t see what other people see, I see 220 lb me crying and sobbing for someone to pull me out of my own skin and save me from this terrible body shaming nightmare.
How is it that after 6 years of having all of that weight off, that I still can’t see anything different when I look in the mirror?
These past few months have been rather tumultuous and emotional for me, lots of old things coming up to be healed – patterns to be broken. This particular wave of clearing comes after moving through a chakra course with a fantastic group of soul sisters.
I’ve done so much work – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually – yet somehow, those results seem to fail to make it to that mirror / reflection. I can only see the flaws, the flabs, the stretch marks, the double chin, the signs of aging…you name it, I’ll find a flaw for it.
I was doing a bit of homework the other day – listening to a shamanic drumming & an OM chanting meditation while I focused on the root chakra. After a few minutes, I found I was distracted, suddenly I am researching work-outs and Pilates for belly fat, weight loss, toning, etc.
It’s a catch-22. You can never win or be happy when you’re caught in that cycle.
The key, I’ve found, is daily gratitude and acts of self-love. It’s so much harder for your mind to wander into the field of negativity when you’re bombarding it with positive thoughts and feelings. You start to recognize all of the little things in your life that make everything so magical in this Universe.
I’m so very grateful to be alive, I’m truly blessed to have so many supportive people in my life as I move through these old patterns. And I know in my heart that nothing can ever change for the better without that action.
This past week, instead of focusing on what I have / have not eaten, I chose to just eat properly and not dwell on anything at all.
Making salads and smoothies, smaller portions, less alcohol, sugar and caffeine. And “somehow”, I now feel like my energy level is much higher – maybe even high enough to get back into running!
So, in this moment, I choose to stop “struggling” in the vast ocean of shadows and unknown outcomes, of negative thoughts about my reality which only cause more pain…
I choose to open and heal my heart of these old, old wounds, to balance mind, body & soul.
I choose internal peace …
but by taking positive actions towards my goals …
Lies and stories that once served your soul as a protective measure – these things can’t serve us well anymore.
– to acknowledge the old wounds without judgments –
it’s the best and most important thing that we can do for ourselves right now.
And though sharing my stories so publicly is up there with some of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever had, I think it’s important to get these out. I can’t sit back and watch as others come forward to share their experiences, while I hide in the shadows with these secrets.
I am inspired…and in the spirit of helping push for change, it is an honor for me to share my experiences with you today…
I remember thinking, as I was growing up, how much simpler and peaceful my life would have been if I had just been born a boy. How many less warnings my parents would have felt the need to give me each time I started walking out the door… How many less restrictions I would have had, how much later I could have stayed out and played. How much easier I thought my life would have been. How many less scars might I have today?
“Be careful out there, watch your surroundings, don’t wear this or that, he’s staring at you – lets move over this way”… So many little things we’re told as little girls because no one wants to address what the conversation should really be about.
I remember being told once that if I wasn’t careful, I would end up being raped, murdered, hacked to pieces and spread out in the Florida canals in Tupperware containers. I was 14 years old.
Many times I was out with my mother and sister, shopping at some store, when one of them pulled me away and guided me to a different area of the store because some man was ogling me. I remember being so very angry that I always had to move away or adjust what I was doing because some grown a** man couldn’t control his gaze on a teenage girl.
I was always questioning my mother – I usually tried to make a point of calling them out on it in some way, much to my mother’s fear. It was this unspoken rule that you just didn’t do that – you moved along and made whatever adjustments you needed to in order to remove yourself from danger – instead of holding the person accountable for their own deplorable character flaws and unethical actions.
I remember walking home from the bus stop on several occasions where truckers would cat-call and honk at me. One particular day, there was a man driving some sort of sedan on the opposite side of the highway that stared at me for so long, he almost wrecked into another car at the red light. I was very clearly a teenage girl walking home from the bus stop WITH A BACK PACK.
My parents, being scared and not knowing what they could do to prevent something from happening, taught me to start yelling “JAIL BAIT” at offenders to try and bring them back to reality and stop them from staring at me.
When I hurt my achilles tendon and had to be on crutches for a week and a half, this boy decided to pounce. I was on crutches, carrying a back pack with only one strap, and somehow also managing to carry my clarinet case – on my merry way to shop class.
With both hands, Lester full on grabbed my butt, almost pushing me over. I was filled with so many emotions, mostly shock and rage, as everything I was carrying dropped to the ground, in the middle of the bustling hallway.
No one but Lester and I were aware of what even happened, or rather, no one spoke up or let on that they had seen anything.
My experiences with the men in public as well as the boys in school taught me that my body wasn’t my own, it was only meant for their own personal use / pleasure. Nor was it safe to dress or act how I wanted.
I remember trying to walk up the stair wells when I first started high school, wearing a skirt. Someone reached through the lower level to grab my butt from underneath. I had no earthly clue who even did it…and it was guaranteed that it wouldn’t be the last time.
Often times, through the hordes of students filing to class, boys would “accidentally” bump into my chest…some even would go so far as to full on grab both breasts, claiming they had tripped and fallen towards me. I once had a boy tell me to my face that I shouldn’t have worn a certain outfit or walked a certain way if I didn’t want to be chased and touched.
Berated with “HEY GIRL” everywhere I went – learning to completely tune them out – even when they became angry because they were of the assumption that they were Gods, and you couldn’t ignore their advances.
My very first serious relationship experience was literally the worst of all of.
It was my first kiss, ever, and I remember feeling that amazing fire burning deep within my soul. He was tall, strong and so very sweet… he had me hooked.
In time, driven by his own insecurities and a need to maintain control over me, I spent several years being physically, mentally and emotionally assaulted. I was too good for him – and he knew it – he had to use every means possible to keep me in a state of “I have no where else to turn”.
Over those years, there were several times where I realized how scary things were getting, and I tried to break things off. He would show up at my work (which made me quit my first real job after 2 weeks of working), my house, my classes…
He knew my schedule – and he made sure I KNEW THAT. I walked around school constantly hiding the bruises all over my arms and legs, entire hand prints on my throat from being slammed against a locker because I “said the wrong thing”. Constantly looking over my shoulder because I expected him to be following me (and he usually was). He would twist my words around, make me out to be a “bad girlfriend”, attack my friends for supposedly “coming on to me”.
I eventually pushed most of my friends away – I isolated myself entirely – under the guise that it was my responsibility to do so – I was “protecting” them. I took everything on alone, a sad and unconscious effort to minimize the outside sources which would cause me more pain and punishment.
Interesting how I could be surrounded by such a massive sea of people, yet feel so very alone.
In my freshman year of high school, this beast would force me to skip classes (under much duress) so that he could “have his way” with me. The day I lost all motivation to argue, fight or run, was the day the icy tendrils of those fateful words wrapped themselves around my still-beating heart: “If you don’t give it to me, I’m going to take it”. And so he did – aggressively.
And afterwards, he belittled me about how it didn’t mean anything to him at all… he laughed about it with his disgusting slimy friends who would later come up to me (on several occasions) just to ask me about it so they could laugh in my face.
At that time, people could see what was happening. Everyone could see it. I felt like I had no where to go, no where to turn…and if I left him, he’d kill me – or so I was told almost every single day. It’s why my parents began restricting me at home so badly – “if we keep her inside the house, at least we can protect her outside of school”.
So many years have passed since then, but those words are forever etched into my memory.
It was my “first time” – and because of his inability to control himself, it was forever tainted. Moments you can never get back in your life.
As I grew older, it broke my heart just listening to these “fairy tale” scenarios from my friends about their “first time”. It made me very angry for a very long time.
Every day, I questioned how many other girls / women I caused to experience this abuse from him after me. “If I had reported him, could I have stopped something from happening in the future.”
At the end of the day, I do still feel bad that he was never reprimanded for his actions…but I forgave myself…because I was a teenage girl who truly believed that speaking out would mean my own demise.
This isn’t about what we as women can do to prevent ourselves from being put in these situations.
It’s about educating our youth – it’s about teaching mutual respect and self-control. It’s about being honest about what is happening around us, holding people accountable for their actions in tangible ways, and being willing to get dirty, to start making some real, progressive and loving changes as a society.
It needs to be brought fully into the light.
To me, this f***ing conversation is LOOOONG overdue, and “we the people” are demanding that our freedoms, safety and security be defended as equally as ALL OTHERS – we are demanding real CHANGE.
The other morning I was feeling a little ornery. I had gone to bed without dinner the night before and crashed for about 12 hours. I woke up super restless at about 4 AM, went back to bed for another hour of frustratingly flopping around…until finally I squeezed another hour of sleep in.
When I was about to walk out the door that morning – coffee in hand – my roommate informs me that “this week is a good week to reach out to your congressmen / women about the new health care system”. I try not to get sucked into the political drama…but I thought, if this is important to my roommate, it’s important for me to hear the situation out. As you can imagine, I wasn’t exactly in the best head space to absorb this information – and I am also not a morning person on a regular day.
The reasons why I should reach out to these representatives didn’t sound any different from the crappy way things are currently set up to begin with, except that now the rich are getting more breaks and the poor are getting even more f***ed than before.
The kind that no matter how much side-stepping you do, it follows you… ever looming and pressing.
Eventually, the following thoughts came through about this entire situation:
“My voice doesn’t matter in this current system. Not to say that my voice doesn’t matter, however, fighting the same fight against the same system over and over still hasn’t brought any actual progressive and positive changes (just a taste here and there to keep us complacent). I don’t see why smashing my head against a political wall is going to help anyone except those running this current system, laughing at the futility of our efforts…
My voice does matter… but they don’t want to hear it. My soul brothers and sisters hear me without my even speaking a single word. Actions and souls speak louder.
My soul reaches for other souls, not words or laws. These laws can’t hold me down.
These new rules and regulations can’t hold me down.
I fully believe that as beings of light and love, we have the power to change the entire course of our future by working from within. Not by stretching ourselves and our energies so thin or by getting so twisted and worked up about the symptoms that are popping up all over the place that we forget how to move within the shadows. These are all results of our connected consciousness. We each need to focus more on ourselves, our hearts, our souls, our head spaces…if we all did our part, these external symptoms would change.
And I don’t mean calling a Senator each and every day (though if you feel you need to, go for it). None of these people are acting from a level of consciousness that would be a conduit for REAL change. They care whether or not they’ll get another vote from you when the time comes around so they can continue being complacent in their own jobs, accepting pay-offs and HUGE pay checks to sit back and watch the world burn around them. I’m done buying into this nonsensical system.
Shift the internal sources and the results displaying externally will shift. You have all of the power in the Universe to shift your own reality. At this point, I would appreciate it if those that don’t feel this way would stop trying to pull me back into the negative cloud of drama that they are intentionally feeding everyone to keep them distracted, angry, sad, upset, stressed, tired and frustrated.
Though, I am also completely understanding and compassionate that people will continue to perpetuate this pattern until they are triggered enough to finally face their shadows and address the REAL issues.
I plan to continue focusing on working on my own issues and watching as the entire Universe shifts to accommodate.
I trust that the Universe has a Divine plan for all of this nonsense. I trust that if I continue to do my part of the work, things will shift for the better. I trust that eventually everyone else will begin to see this and do the same… but I also remain aware that this is a slow process and that it’s best not to hold expectations or create time lines.
That said, there is indeed an interesting balance that needs to be kept with remaining conscious and aware of the events unfolding around us while simultaneously being detached enough so as not to be pulled into the many whirlwinds of fear and hate.
…so here I am, sitting at work, feeling like the worst friend in the world… I was reminded by an amazing friend that this isn’t the case at all, that we all do the very best we can at each and every moment with the energy reserves we have available to us.
Today I questioned what type of person allows their work and/or personal problems to get in the way of their friend in need, and f***ing brain surgery…
Though I am sending Reiki healing, both from myself and within my online Reiki community, Violet Flame, and angelic support, somehow still, my lack of physical presence during her time of need weighs so very heavily on my soul.
But honestly, regardless of how I feel within this moment, today is not about me at all.
Today is about making sure Timmy the Tumor vacates this world, promptly, with no residual affects.
Today I ask this Universe to move Heaven and Earth to facilitate the highest outcome with full and complete healing.
I cannot imagine a world where my dearest roommate, soul sister, mentor and warrior goddess doesn’t exist. I refuse to acknowledge that as a possibility. Because it’s not.
Many a night this past week, I’ve spent shouting at the heavens thru streams of tears:
Because it’s not time yet. And this Universe will have to accept that this amazing angel of light will have to stick around this Earth plane for a lot longer.
I have never in my life struggled this hard putting into words what my heart, mind, soul and body want to express. So many things bumbling around in my brain… (Daily Prompt: Bumble)
So much to say about such an amazing person. Feeling so helpless to the process, wanting to jump in with both feet to rescue her from this journey. But that’s not what this is about either. This is her journey. I cannot “save her”…and I’m sure she’d resent it even if I did. Because she’s a f***ing WARRIOR. Warrior’s don’t need saved, they need fellow warriors to step up and stand as one unit. And they also can save themselves. I trust that this amazing woman knows exactly what her body needs to heal itself. Timmy the Tumor is being plucked out today, never to return! (Daily Prompt: Pluck)
But I’m still scared. Because this shit is scary. And I love this woman with every fiber of my soul. Every single day I’ve sent love, light and healing her way…trying my very best to keep my ridiculous fears contained and to myself.
We fight those demons with love and light, though it doesn’t make the fight any easier, it does surround the process with beauty and grace. We will bury the fear along with Timmy, and raise up the energies of this magical Earth to spread love and miracles, transmuting and transforming for the best possible outcome. (Daily Prompt: Bury)
Those who can be present and support one another just as much as they are supporting her in this process. I cannot fathom an outcome that doesn’t equal a full recovery with this much love, light and support from so many people across the country, hell, the world.
If anyone can help at all with Michele’s upcoming financial burdens during this journey…Please…any little bit will help… Fight with Michele
As my own personal offering, and a gift to those who can and do help my mentor and sister, when you donate, comment with #LemurianLightOracle and share it to my Facebook page (Lemurian Light Oracle), and I will reach out to you about either a free color reading, or a distance Reiki healing (your choice). My own way of showing gratitude for your compassion, kindness and assistance.
If anyone is out there that can send a little extra healing energy her way as well…please do…it is all so very greatly appreciated!
Reflections of past…present…future…
Two souls entangled in love…in pain…in tears…
Each Sacred, each Divine…
One full of compassion…confusion…fear…
The other lost in ego…anger…resentment…
One wonders what could’ve been…if the other could’ve changed…
The other asks ‘why me’…‘what punishment is this’…
They can never go back…
Wounds so lovingly inflicted…
Both and neither are truly to blame…
The end of a contract…a soul agreement…
A voice in the wind softly whispered…‘never the same…never the same…’
Much Love & Light,
Firstly…let me apologize to those who were left hanging on a branch, anxiously awaiting the next piece of wisdom or introspective discussion. I’ve been working very hard these last few months on my own path of self-improvement (and certifications!).
I’m excited to finally say that I am a certified Usui Reiki Master but even more excited to announce that another Reiki certification is in the works (Crystal Reiki Master). I’m working very hard to learn everything I can so that I can share my knowledge, wisdom, energy and joy with all of you.
In the next year, there will be an online course available which will go through each of the Archangels that I’ve chosen especially for this purpose. The course will teach you everything you need to know about each of these magnificent energetic beings as well as how you can begin the process of honoring and calling on them within your day to day lives.
Each video will be Reiki charged for a specific purpose, and I’ll explain that in more depth within the video as well. There will be a focused meditation where you will receive the full extent of the Reiki healing energy as well as the healing energies of the Archangels. This course should be life-changing and transformative for those that are ready to really dig in and connect.
Because I’m working with the Archangels, I also feel the need to state that, though this would likely be “extra enjoyable” for those following a certain religion, this course is in no way at all geared towards any specific religion and will not be pushing any beliefs…
I intend to create a safe place for those that wish to experience powerful healing energies and aren’t closed to certain modalities based purely on religious beliefs. All religions are respected and honored. Energy is energy and has no ‘religious boundary’.
Feel free to email / contact me with any questions or comments. I welcome everyone’s input and opinions, things you’d like to see added in the Archangel’s course/meditations or maybe your interested in a different sort of course…if so, let me know what it is! I love encompassing new modalities and energies into my practices.
I know it’s been a little while since I’ve written a blog. I’ve been really busy being productive, learning new things and coming up with new ideas that I can share with you all! 😊
I wanted to ask those who are interested to take a few minutes to answer a few questions, and leave me some feedback.
It’s just two questions and a comment field and it would really help me determine what my next steps will be.
Keep in mind that the programs mentioned would be offered both in person as well as virtually, and all include Reiki energy.
Thank you so very much and please feel free to shoot me an EMAIL any time with questions or helpful input.
I’m going to be straight forward… These last few months have been mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually challenging on so many levels. The moment I felt I could catch my breath, I was thrown right back into some other tumultuous life lesson. To say the least, my energy is very low, I feel very drained…but not in a bad way. I am eternally grateful for the lessons I learned, and the growth that these whirlwinds of energy cleared a path for. Now is just the time for a brief rest and some introspective reflection on my path so far.
That said, I’m writing this post to reflect on the cleansing affect that a rainstorm truly has for us, if we open our hearts and allow ourselves to receive it.
Today, after many moments of “am I angry or about to cry…”, a very large and vocal summer storm started rolling in. At first the sky became a dark, smokey black and the trees began to bend with the wind. A light sprinkle, an ominous rumble. I smiled. Every fiber of my being wanted to be outside in that rain.
Since I was very little, storms were calming to me…the cool breeze, the feeling of water showering down from the heavens… I believe it’s cleansing for the entire body, right down to the soul… Divine little blessings of love, joy, peace, comfort, protection and light within each little droplet. I imagine that their energetic blessings are immediately connected with my soul as each drop splashes onto the surface of my body.
I found myself sitting in the rain for at least twenty minutes today. Feeling the heavens bless me with it’s cleansing energy…feeling the old feelings and negative energies being washed away, right where I stood. I cried a little…I paced around…I sat contemplatively…I splashed through puddles…I was within those moments, completely present with myself and how I needed to process these energies – my silence within a thunderstorm.
I am so eternally grateful for this connection with the storms and I highly recommend it to anyone willing to brave it themselves (do be careful of lightning though – always be cautious and safe)!
I will also be providing a meditation related to this same thing very soon – stay tuned! 🙂