Just Relax…What a Joke?

Just relax, they say… 

 

As though I wouldn’t want to have this seemingly unattainable Utopian ideal manifested within my reality…if only I could catch my breath…one breath…one breath that isn’t full of the total fear of some impending doom that my body knows for certain is imminent but my mind is still thoroughly questioning… Sometimes it’s like a bad dream where you are watching things happen to you with zero control over what is going on.

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Just relax…

As though the memory of being choke slammed into a school locker by the person you most expected to keep you safe from harm can just be erased…as though 5 years of repeated mental / physical abuse and violence during my most sensitive developmental years can simply be erased, forgotten and “relaxed away”…divider4

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Thanks to our cave-dwelling ancestors…

That sort of violence isn’t so easy to just erase from your memory.  Your brain forever feels the need to remind you of every little horror, in an effort to keep you from repeating the same mistakes.  It’s just a fact about our brain chemistry, hand-me-downs from our cave-dwelling ancestors.  That young man, so many many years ago, left bruises and scars that continue to haunt the deepest darkest recesses of my own mental prison… thrown back in a moment with a single sound, smell, person, or thought…

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Diving Deeper

In my opening message, I briefly discussed my struggle with anxiety and PTSD but I wanted to delve a little deeper.  I can only hope that this helps those suffering to know that they are not alone and those who love someone suffering from it to have a more clear understanding of what it’s really like.  For a lot of us, the most frustrating part of this disorder is trying to explain it to your loved ones.

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The Avoidance Troll

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Photo Credit →

Because of that, I spent a lot of time pretending I was a reclusive cave troll, avoiding everyone and everything, never wanting to leave my house.

Life has really thrown me for an energetic loop this time around.  A lot of old patterns and habits need to be cleared and a lot of negativity needs to be washed from my soul.

Overwhelmed by disappointment in my life and lack of achievements…angry with myself for being “weak” and just generally feeling like I couldn’t pick myself up.

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Universal Conspiracy

It felt like the entire universe was conspiring to make me unhappy and unsuccessful, to take away everything I had worked so hard for away.  First my old job, my old home, then my car, my freedom, my privacy, and now my ability to eat and digest food without pain.

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Why is this happening to me??

Of course this is a completely victim rooted mindset but sometimes it’s hard to see that when you’re in the midst of it all.  I’m not going to put myself down for being susceptible to humanness and feeling how I felt but I am going to do my damnedest to climb out of the pit of despair and take the steps I need to in order to do better for myself.divider4

Rationalizing Irrational Triggers

PTSD can trigger a very complex mixture of feelings and reactions with no real rational explanation / cause…accompanied by complete awareness of the irrational behavior and severe frustration / anger within for still being triggered after so many years.

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Ever Vigilant

Going through every day on the edge of your seat, hyper aware of your surroundings because you know deep down that anything can become a trigger.  The more aware you are, the less likely something will surprise you.  It’s never 100% fool proof, there is always the possibility of some unexpected random noise that will cause you to jump out of your skin.  Something that triggers every cell in your body to go on high alert…heart racing, hands trembling.  The more relaxed you are, the more susceptible you are…so of course it must be better to always be on “high alert”…  At least that’s the message you keep receiving from your brain, whether true or false, the message doesn’t feel any less “real”.

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Dark Times

These days are the darkest, the ones that make you feel like you can’t function as a normal person anymore, make you feel broken…weak…scattered…

Sometimes you wake up into an anxiety attack that just meerkat-255564_640continues throughout the day, worse but never better.  No matter how much you try to relax, no matter how many times you try to sit and quiet your mind, relax your body, every fiber of your being stays on high alert.

The smallest change in noise level makes you jump out of your skin…pulse racing…blood pressure rising…your entire body feeling like its about to fly out of a speeding train… Then nothing…yet still your muscles are tense, still your brain races a hundred miles a second.divider4

Exit Strategy

You examine every detail of your surroundings
to  be sure you can exit quickly and quietly.

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 Forever reminding yourself: never stay too long…never face your back away from the wall…never make eye contact…trust no one…try to make the noises feel less like they are eating away at your mind…your peace…

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Now and then it escapes…

It escapes in tears…frustration, anger, depression, fear, stress, anxiety…all of this plus more…guilt for the people around you that deal with your broken method of living life…sad-597089_1280

Praying every night that tomorrow you won’t have another episode or event…every night hoping that tomorrow the world won’t be such a trigger…that you could just interact with your surroundings, without having to look over your shoulder…without constantly being on edge…without feeling like a failed member of society…

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Day in, day out…chain-1027864_640

I try to remind myself regularly that I’m a f***ing survivor…

Most will never even be able to imagine the kind of strength it takes to live a life this way…

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This is the only life you’ve got to live right now…

Sure it takes a lot just to keep moving forward.

Some day things will be better, some day you will see the gifts hidden within this experience and you’ll finally know true gratitude…

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Stay strong…

Keep trying…

Love yourself…

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Find your motivation, your spark, that inner joy…

It is in the moment that you feel you’ve gone metaphor-1209691_640absolutely no where in your life, like you
have finally hit rock bottom, that you must find your inner strength and pull yourself up.  No, it’s not easy.  That’s not what you came here to do.  
You came here to test yourself and push your own boundaries, to please your heart and soul…and to find your inner peace… 

These are definitely times of trials and tribulations sweet ones, but there is no pass or fail; everything will unfold harmoniously as it should but you must allow it.

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There is so much love and support for you if you would just open your heart to it.

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Repeat the statements below to yourself regularly and watch how your self-perception shifts and becomes more positive.

I AM  ≡  LOVE

I AM    JOY

I AM    PEACE

I AM    WISDOM

I AM    BEAUTY

I AM  ≡  LIGHT

 

This is a way for you to remind your subconscious of your own divinity…your own power.

Everything you have ever needed to heal yourself can be found within. 

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Some people just have a bit of a longer journey to get their answers than others.

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No Matter What…

…no one and no thing can ever change who your inner being is, what you stand for and how you stand for it.

That peaceful warrior is within you… if only you would let your light shine as brightly as the night sky!

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Written by: Emily Shultz

Daily Prompt: Joke

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