Complicated Process

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Today I write to be 100% real with myself, and you all.

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I’ve come to realize that sometimes, you just have to swirl around in your negative vortex for awhile until you can catch your wind and truly begin to open your eyes.

This past year has been a trying one, emotionally – physically – mentally – even energetically.  Grief, emotional trauma, fear, severe anxiety, resentment, self-loathing…you get the picture.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

What I share from my journal today, is a glimpse into the depths of my mind, my thought process, and of course my heart.  It’s HUMANly impossible to write without using your heart, no matter how you flip the page.  Every thought you have is influenced by the experiences of your heart.  The key is to write everything down and begin to reflect on the meaning behind your thoughts.  To truly get to know yourself you need to become your own best friend…again.

Honor your thoughts, for they are all valid in their own mysterious ways…some only exist because of some aspect of you that wants to be healed and others exist because of love, gratitude, wonder, and joy.  The only way to make those you perceive as “positive” stick around more often is by honoring and holding space for your own emotional healing.  Hiding away because you fear reliving your past isn’t conducive to your personal growth.  It stunts it.  You become completely stuck in a negativity tar pit, feeling like you are clawing endlessly with no progress at all.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

Right about now you might be thinking…

“Why is this woman openly about to share so much of her heart with the world?”

My response?

Because we are ALL vulnerable and in need of a guiding hand and a wise word now and then… I know that there are people out there, right now, thinking and feeling the same sort of things.  It’s time for us to start being more vulnerable with each other.  It’s time to stop pretending we all live these perfect little lives, that nothing bothers us, and we are all “just fine”.  Maybe you are just fine, maybe your life is perfect, maybe you haven’t had any issues at all in your life.  That’s great…I am joyous for you, truly, but I recommend you keep scrolling.  This is a place where I encourage you to open your heart freely…get really honest with your feelings…and hopefully find some portion of this message that could potentially be healing for you in some way.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

And so with all of that out of the way…here’s the main event: 

I feel unstable.

I feel non-self-sufficient.

I feel like a constant burden.

I feel like a recluse.

I feel unproductive.

I feel lazy.

I feel unsuccessful.

I feel useless.

I feel wasteful.

I feel like there’s nothing special or unique about me.

I feel I’ll never amount to anything.

Unattainable success.

Weak boundaries.

– ANGER – FEAR – FRUSTRATION –

Going nowhere really f*$@ing fast!

Why don’t I trust myself?  When did that s*@# start?

Why do I loathe myself so?

How do I shift to a better self-image?

Complete and total frustration.

Rage and anger. – Why do I feel angry?

At this point, I began listing every single scar I could possibly think of from my past.

No closure?

Resentment.

Lack of support.

Fear teachings.

The world is unsafe when you are thin, pretty, attractive.

Reinforced feelings of self-mistrust -> Only able to make bad decisions…

Never fit in anywhere.  Don’t belong.  Too sensitive.

Memories of always being put down, made fun of, hurt…

Broken wings.

Why do I always ask questions but never feel I get any answers?!divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

And so my guides began to explain to me: 

So much unaddressed emotional trauma and stress can only be expected to begin manifesting in the physical realm…so that you can’t push it away anymore.

Peace and serenity doesn’t come to you… You have to look for it… Under every rock, stone, scar, etc.

You can never have any peace until you are willing to look your inner self in the eyes and get REAL!

divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

As I began to grasp what I was being told…

Hate is a sign of continuing the victim role… “I hate ___ because it allows me to avoid ____.”

You can only feel hatred for something you once loved…

Feeling betrayed and used… Feeling like there is no justice, no closure.

What is the violence and abuse I’ve dealt with in my lifetime supposed to have taught me?  It’s easy to be hurt?  People shouldn’t be trusted?

You’ll never feel trusting of others until you really begin to trust yourself.

Achieving new heights, gaining new abilities or talents will only open me up to being exploited.

Only YOU can allow yourself to be exploited.  Through STRENGTH…BOUNDARIES…and HONOR.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

My mind is being over run by thoughts of stomach, neck, and shoulder pain… *tears*  How do I transform the way I think of these things so that I don’t become frozen in fear and inaction?

I constantly doubt my worthiness to receive love.

How do I shift to looking at being alive as a positive thing?divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

At this point…I needed to pull a “Return of Spirit” card (by Cheryl Lee Harnish)…”GIFTED”…

(In an attempt to refocus myself, noticing that my thoughts seemed to be all over the place…here, there and everywhere.)

Did the situation I asked about trigger self-worth issues?

Feeling disregarded and tossed aside; empty promises?

What are you grasping for externally?

What if you were to realize that within that moment of grasping for some external comfort, in that action itself, your inner guru is calling for your attention.  Calling for you to open your eyes to the truth beneath the surface…

Small steps…everyday…to help you embody little bits of your power at a time; to ease yourself into what stepping in could truly feel like.

We do not laugh at you…but are ironically and dryly amused at how much beauty and magic you are willing to block yourself from out of pure fear of what you do not know or understand.

There is power in loving yourself.  Start there.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

How do I know when I’ve stepped into my power?

When you stop having to ask and look for outside validation.

No one was sent to validate your power.  Only you know the truth of your own power.  How could anyone ever validate the beauty and majesty of what is yours and only yours?

Why do you incessantly look for the cause of a symptom instead of just focusing on what steps to take toward solutions?

The cause of your symptoms are in the past…

Traveling back to the past only relives the issues and reinforces their affects and power over you.  Look instead for positive solutions and focus your vision on what the healed version of you will look like once you’ve found the right solution.

Why do you feel there is something wrong with you the way that you are, right now, in this very moment?

Are you comparing yourself to past you?  Future you?

When do you get to just be happy with where and who you are within the moment?

At what point do you accept your past to move through the present and wait patiently, without expectations or stories, for the future to unfold?

You are such a complex and beautiful creature for so many magical reasons… Your physical appearance could never even dream to compare with the rare beauty within you.  Why focus on something so dim as a street lamp when you have the entire cosmos within you?divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

To close off this journal entry, I wrote down an extremely quick and simple prayer for a little help as I navigate my ever-evolving path: 

I pray for strength and courage.
I pray for peace and serenity.
I pray for honor and integrity.
I pray for wisdom and truth.
I pray for health and vitality.
I pray for love and compassion.

These are the qualities and gifts that I know in my heart are truly necessary on every step of my path.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

Daily Prompt: Complicated
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