Complicated Process

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Today I write to be 100% real with myself, and you all.

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I’ve come to realize that sometimes, you just have to swirl around in your negative vortex for awhile until you can catch your wind and truly begin to open your eyes.

This past year has been a trying one, emotionally – physically – mentally – even energetically.  Grief, emotional trauma, fear, severe anxiety, resentment, self-loathing…you get the picture.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

What I share from my journal today, is a glimpse into the depths of my mind, my thought process, and of course my heart.  It’s HUMANly impossible to write without using your heart, no matter how you flip the page.  Every thought you have is influenced by the experiences of your heart.  The key is to write everything down and begin to reflect on the meaning behind your thoughts.  To truly get to know yourself you need to become your own best friend…again.

Honor your thoughts, for they are all valid in their own mysterious ways…some only exist because of some aspect of you that wants to be healed and others exist because of love, gratitude, wonder, and joy.  The only way to make those you perceive as “positive” stick around more often is by honoring and holding space for your own emotional healing.  Hiding away because you fear reliving your past isn’t conducive to your personal growth.  It stunts it.  You become completely stuck in a negativity tar pit, feeling like you are clawing endlessly with no progress at all.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

Right about now you might be thinking…

“Why is this woman openly about to share so much of her heart with the world?”

My response?

Because we are ALL vulnerable and in need of a guiding hand and a wise word now and then… I know that there are people out there, right now, thinking and feeling the same sort of things.  It’s time for us to start being more vulnerable with each other.  It’s time to stop pretending we all live these perfect little lives, that nothing bothers us, and we are all “just fine”.  Maybe you are just fine, maybe your life is perfect, maybe you haven’t had any issues at all in your life.  That’s great…I am joyous for you, truly, but I recommend you keep scrolling.  This is a place where I encourage you to open your heart freely…get really honest with your feelings…and hopefully find some portion of this message that could potentially be healing for you in some way.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

And so with all of that out of the way…here’s the main event: 

I feel unstable.

I feel non-self-sufficient.

I feel like a constant burden.

I feel like a recluse.

I feel unproductive.

I feel lazy.

I feel unsuccessful.

I feel useless.

I feel wasteful.

I feel like there’s nothing special or unique about me.

I feel I’ll never amount to anything.

Unattainable success.

Weak boundaries.

– ANGER – FEAR – FRUSTRATION –

Going nowhere really f*$@ing fast!

Why don’t I trust myself?  When did that s*@# start?

Why do I loathe myself so?

How do I shift to a better self-image?

Complete and total frustration.

Rage and anger. – Why do I feel angry?

At this point, I began listing every single scar I could possibly think of from my past.

No closure?

Resentment.

Lack of support.

Fear teachings.

The world is unsafe when you are thin, pretty, attractive.

Reinforced feelings of self-mistrust -> Only able to make bad decisions…

Never fit in anywhere.  Don’t belong.  Too sensitive.

Memories of always being put down, made fun of, hurt…

Broken wings.

Why do I always ask questions but never feel I get any answers?!divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

And so my guides began to explain to me: 

So much unaddressed emotional trauma and stress can only be expected to begin manifesting in the physical realm…so that you can’t push it away anymore.

Peace and serenity doesn’t come to you… You have to look for it… Under every rock, stone, scar, etc.

You can never have any peace until you are willing to look your inner self in the eyes and get REAL!

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As I began to grasp what I was being told…

Hate is a sign of continuing the victim role… “I hate ___ because it allows me to avoid ____.”

You can only feel hatred for something you once loved…

Feeling betrayed and used… Feeling like there is no justice, no closure.

What is the violence and abuse I’ve dealt with in my lifetime supposed to have taught me?  It’s easy to be hurt?  People shouldn’t be trusted?

You’ll never feel trusting of others until you really begin to trust yourself.

Achieving new heights, gaining new abilities or talents will only open me up to being exploited.

Only YOU can allow yourself to be exploited.  Through STRENGTH…BOUNDARIES…and HONOR.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

My mind is being over run by thoughts of stomach, neck, and shoulder pain… *tears*  How do I transform the way I think of these things so that I don’t become frozen in fear and inaction?

I constantly doubt my worthiness to receive love.

How do I shift to looking at being alive as a positive thing?divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

At this point…I needed to pull a “Return of Spirit” card (by Cheryl Lee Harnish)…”GIFTED”…

(In an attempt to refocus myself, noticing that my thoughts seemed to be all over the place…here, there and everywhere.)

Did the situation I asked about trigger self-worth issues?

Feeling disregarded and tossed aside; empty promises?

What are you grasping for externally?

What if you were to realize that within that moment of grasping for some external comfort, in that action itself, your inner guru is calling for your attention.  Calling for you to open your eyes to the truth beneath the surface…

Small steps…everyday…to help you embody little bits of your power at a time; to ease yourself into what stepping in could truly feel like.

We do not laugh at you…but are ironically and dryly amused at how much beauty and magic you are willing to block yourself from out of pure fear of what you do not know or understand.

There is power in loving yourself.  Start there.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

How do I know when I’ve stepped into my power?

When you stop having to ask and look for outside validation.

No one was sent to validate your power.  Only you know the truth of your own power.  How could anyone ever validate the beauty and majesty of what is yours and only yours?

Why do you incessantly look for the cause of a symptom instead of just focusing on what steps to take toward solutions?

The cause of your symptoms are in the past…

Traveling back to the past only relives the issues and reinforces their affects and power over you.  Look instead for positive solutions and focus your vision on what the healed version of you will look like once you’ve found the right solution.

Why do you feel there is something wrong with you the way that you are, right now, in this very moment?

Are you comparing yourself to past you?  Future you?

When do you get to just be happy with where and who you are within the moment?

At what point do you accept your past to move through the present and wait patiently, without expectations or stories, for the future to unfold?

You are such a complex and beautiful creature for so many magical reasons… Your physical appearance could never even dream to compare with the rare beauty within you.  Why focus on something so dim as a street lamp when you have the entire cosmos within you?divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

To close off this journal entry, I wrote down an extremely quick and simple prayer for a little help as I navigate my ever-evolving path: 

I pray for strength and courage.
I pray for peace and serenity.
I pray for honor and integrity.
I pray for wisdom and truth.
I pray for health and vitality.
I pray for love and compassion.

These are the qualities and gifts that I know in my heart are truly necessary on every step of my path.divider1_by_s_alamence-d7aq28n

Daily Prompt: Complicated
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Stubborn Warrior Goddess

You never want the news that someone within your cherished inner circle has something so ominous as cancer… It’s the hardest news there is.

Powerless to provide this person so near and dear to you with a solution or relief.  You want so badly to just wave a hand and miraculously cure them.  No words, none of your actions, quite express how much support you hold for them in your heart…

Your heart sings with the vibrations…every beat and thump creates a marvelous symphony of love, light and serenity.

This is the part of your divine self that understands… even if you don’t know how to express it with words, your thoughts are always understood within your own perspective / mind.  Because your thoughts create your reality, you’re able to express your truest intentions and best wishes without the slightest verbal or visual cues…

It is a vibration that you create so that the energy radiates from your heart center, based on your thoughts, feelings and intentions.  That is what allows your support and love to be felt by others without physical action.

My dear soul sister, Christina, is now recovering from a major surgery for breast cancer…my heart aches for the stress and pain she has already endured as well as what’s to come.

From the beginning, this tough, stubborn lady stood tall, head high…facing the dark demon head on was the only option worth considering.  She refused to allow cancer to win this battle…stubborn for all the right reasons…

A fiercely dedicated momma, wife and warrior goddess, all wrapped into one beautiful soul.  She takes no pity and her mere presence commands great honor and respect.

I’ve truly been inspired by this amazing woman…she has shown me everything it means to be a fearless warrior with both gentle grace and untamed humor.

I witnessed the divine reflection of our Mother Gaia through her strength and perseverance…remembering that even the Earth is sometimes shaken from her core…but it never makes her any less stable (strong) or everlastingly beautiful…its just another part of the cycle…

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It is an honor and a divine blessing to have someone so special and wondrous in my soul family.

Christina’s entire soul family has been working very hard to help with the ever-increasing hospital costs… if you or anyone you know may be able to assist in any way, it is truly all so very greatly appreciated.

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Daily Prompt: Stubborn

Just Relax…What a Joke?

Just relax, they say… 

 

As though I wouldn’t want to have this seemingly unattainable Utopian ideal manifested within my reality…if only I could catch my breath…one breath…one breath that isn’t full of the total fear of some impending doom that my body knows for certain is imminent but my mind is still thoroughly questioning… Sometimes it’s like a bad dream where you are watching things happen to you with zero control over what is going on.

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Just relax…

As though the memory of being choke slammed into a school locker by the person you most expected to keep you safe from harm can just be erased…as though 5 years of repeated mental / physical abuse and violence during my most sensitive developmental years can simply be erased, forgotten and “relaxed away”…divider4

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Thanks to our cave-dwelling ancestors…

That sort of violence isn’t so easy to just erase from your memory.  Your brain forever feels the need to remind you of every little horror, in an effort to keep you from repeating the same mistakes.  It’s just a fact about our brain chemistry, hand-me-downs from our cave-dwelling ancestors.  That young man, so many many years ago, left bruises and scars that continue to haunt the deepest darkest recesses of my own mental prison… thrown back in a moment with a single sound, smell, person, or thought…

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Diving Deeper

In my opening message, I briefly discussed my struggle with anxiety and PTSD but I wanted to delve a little deeper.  I can only hope that this helps those suffering to know that they are not alone and those who love someone suffering from it to have a more clear understanding of what it’s really like.  For a lot of us, the most frustrating part of this disorder is trying to explain it to your loved ones.

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The Avoidance Troll

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Photo Credit →

Because of that, I spent a lot of time pretending I was a reclusive cave troll, avoiding everyone and everything, never wanting to leave my house.

Life has really thrown me for an energetic loop this time around.  A lot of old patterns and habits need to be cleared and a lot of negativity needs to be washed from my soul.

Overwhelmed by disappointment in my life and lack of achievements…angry with myself for being “weak” and just generally feeling like I couldn’t pick myself up.

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Universal Conspiracy

It felt like the entire universe was conspiring to make me unhappy and unsuccessful, to take away everything I had worked so hard for away.  First my old job, my old home, then my car, my freedom, my privacy, and now my ability to eat and digest food without pain.

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Why is this happening to me??

Of course this is a completely victim rooted mindset but sometimes it’s hard to see that when you’re in the midst of it all.  I’m not going to put myself down for being susceptible to humanness and feeling how I felt but I am going to do my damnedest to climb out of the pit of despair and take the steps I need to in order to do better for myself.divider4

Rationalizing Irrational Triggers

PTSD can trigger a very complex mixture of feelings and reactions with no real rational explanation / cause…accompanied by complete awareness of the irrational behavior and severe frustration / anger within for still being triggered after so many years.

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Ever Vigilant

Going through every day on the edge of your seat, hyper aware of your surroundings because you know deep down that anything can become a trigger.  The more aware you are, the less likely something will surprise you.  It’s never 100% fool proof, there is always the possibility of some unexpected random noise that will cause you to jump out of your skin.  Something that triggers every cell in your body to go on high alert…heart racing, hands trembling.  The more relaxed you are, the more susceptible you are…so of course it must be better to always be on “high alert”…  At least that’s the message you keep receiving from your brain, whether true or false, the message doesn’t feel any less “real”.

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Dark Times

These days are the darkest, the ones that make you feel like you can’t function as a normal person anymore, make you feel broken…weak…scattered…

Sometimes you wake up into an anxiety attack that just meerkat-255564_640continues throughout the day, worse but never better.  No matter how much you try to relax, no matter how many times you try to sit and quiet your mind, relax your body, every fiber of your being stays on high alert.

The smallest change in noise level makes you jump out of your skin…pulse racing…blood pressure rising…your entire body feeling like its about to fly out of a speeding train… Then nothing…yet still your muscles are tense, still your brain races a hundred miles a second.divider4

Exit Strategy

You examine every detail of your surroundings
to  be sure you can exit quickly and quietly.

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 Forever reminding yourself: never stay too long…never face your back away from the wall…never make eye contact…trust no one…try to make the noises feel less like they are eating away at your mind…your peace…

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Now and then it escapes…

It escapes in tears…frustration, anger, depression, fear, stress, anxiety…all of this plus more…guilt for the people around you that deal with your broken method of living life…sad-597089_1280

Praying every night that tomorrow you won’t have another episode or event…every night hoping that tomorrow the world won’t be such a trigger…that you could just interact with your surroundings, without having to look over your shoulder…without constantly being on edge…without feeling like a failed member of society…

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Day in, day out…chain-1027864_640

I try to remind myself regularly that I’m a f***ing survivor…

Most will never even be able to imagine the kind of strength it takes to live a life this way…

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This is the only life you’ve got to live right now…

Sure it takes a lot just to keep moving forward.

Some day things will be better, some day you will see the gifts hidden within this experience and you’ll finally know true gratitude…

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Stay strong…

Keep trying…

Love yourself…

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Find your motivation, your spark, that inner joy…

It is in the moment that you feel you’ve gone metaphor-1209691_640absolutely no where in your life, like you
have finally hit rock bottom, that you must find your inner strength and pull yourself up.  No, it’s not easy.  That’s not what you came here to do.  
You came here to test yourself and push your own boundaries, to please your heart and soul…and to find your inner peace… 

These are definitely times of trials and tribulations sweet ones, but there is no pass or fail; everything will unfold harmoniously as it should but you must allow it.

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There is so much love and support for you if you would just open your heart to it.

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Repeat the statements below to yourself regularly and watch how your self-perception shifts and becomes more positive.

I AM  ≡  LOVE

I AM    JOY

I AM    PEACE

I AM    WISDOM

I AM    BEAUTY

I AM  ≡  LIGHT

 

This is a way for you to remind your subconscious of your own divinity…your own power.

Everything you have ever needed to heal yourself can be found within. 

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Some people just have a bit of a longer journey to get their answers than others.

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No Matter What…

…no one and no thing can ever change who your inner being is, what you stand for and how you stand for it.

That peaceful warrior is within you… if only you would let your light shine as brightly as the night sky!

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Written by: Emily Shultz

Daily Prompt: Joke

Light in Love

Unspoken vows of silence…

 

Secrets and hidden pasts,

 

Unseen cuts and bruises…

 

Immense internal struggle…

 

Blind to surrounding joys…

 

Tunnel visioned into seeing only pain,

 

Cuddled next to darkness and sorrow…

 

Expectations of the worst,

 

Rewarded by lack of understanding…

 

Compassion seems so foreign…

 

 

Constant dreams of leaving it all behind,

 

Pleading for relief…

 

Unable to see the light in the tunnel,

 

Dark glasses of fear and rage…

 

Victims of our own mental states,

 

Lacking love in so many ways.

Great Grandfather Wind

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Oh Great Grandfather Wind…

 

Wise sage and watcher of the west.

 

Out with the old, in with the new…

 

Winds of change we welcome you.

 

We ask you to carry our blessings on a gentle breeze,

 

As a dandelion seed drifting softly over a sun-kissed meadow,

 

May the Divine Light and Love we attach to each of these seeds scatter far and wide,

 

And as water softy ripples at your mere touch,

 

So too we ask that the energy of these seeds ripple across all they touch,

 

May the very ground we walk upon be blanketed in blessings of unity and love.

Daily Prompt: Muse

Breath Deeply & Reconnect

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It would seem that everyone is experiencing a large amount of turbulence in their lives these days.  As each day passes, something adds to the drama and stress of the day to day.

I’ve been feeling the weight of the barrage of seemingly negative occurrences as well.  Recently it would seem the paths are all posted with signs saying, “whatever can go wrong…will”.  I definitely wallowed in the negativity for awhile, because let’s face it, that’s the easiest choice there is.

Being awake, however, means working every single day to be aware of my thoughts and patterns…  To remember that I’m on this Earth to learn from my experiences, not to hide away in the shadows, sobbing quietly.

I try to remind myself regularly that, though the negative vortex is so easy to fall back into, it’s far more rewarding to push myself past it…to transcend it through focused intent and a wonderfully supportive group of soul sisters/brothers.

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With that as my introspective thought while flipping through the mermaid cards, the message they provided told me that now, more than ever, is the time to reconnect with ourselves.

To breath deep the radiant energy available to us all at anytime, if only we would take a moment to focus.

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In that moment, truly focus your attention on how revitalized your body is becoming with the divine exchange of life-bringing energies.

Through this focused breath, we not only reconnect with ourselves, but we reconnect with the pure healing energy of Source / Creation / Earth herself.

By doing so, we keep ourselves grounded and centered, become more stable mentally and emotionally, and we are better able to handle what life sends our way.

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Daily Prompt: Connected

Magic Clouds

 

In my eyes, the sky has been a wondrously magical mirror since the day I was born.

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It’s my most favorite place to look for messages…staring up at the sky, feeling the warm breeze over my face and through my hair, watching the clouds, the stars, the birds… and just ‘Being’.

A place for the Universe to pass notes to our hearts in the giant classroom of life, if only we are willing to take a time out now and then to tune ourselves in.

Divine little notes that carry the messages our hearts are longing to hear and feel…but our minds so desperately want to keep away from us…fearful of the potential for pain.

The key is to listen with your heart and soul, not with your mind or ears.

The sky has been a such great source of introspective inspiration over the years…it has a truly primal magic and energy about it.  Never limited to those stereotypical, ‘happy-go-lucky’, fluffy white clouds.

I can always ask a question silently, almost willing the answer to appear, and the clouds will begin to morph and shape themselves into the answer I need.

I’ve also found that the shadowy mysteries hidden deep within the dark, ominous storm clouds can hold the most profound and crucial messages of all.

In my experience, the  weather seems to completely mirror the state of my mind, my energetic field.

Anger and depression seem to call forth the stormy rain clouds and high intensity lightning.  This strangely always brings a comforting peace to my soul… a reminder from the Universe that we are capable of standing tall and strong through the worst storms, while still maintaining our inner peace.

It takes consistent conscious effort to maintain that level of stillness and zen..

I remember one specific point in my life where I begged and pleaded with the Universe to help me understand where I was headed…there I was, knelt down in the grass in the middle of an emptying park…sunset warm on my eyelids as I sobbed uncontrollably.

When I finally looked up and beyond my tears, the clouds had formed into the shape of a camel… A desert creature who wisely prepares itself for the unknown future, sent to remind me gently that I can indeed trust my own intuition to succeed.

I thought, “well gee, thanks Universe…that’s a bit of a ‘cop out’ but okay…”  Instead of learning the lesson that the Universe, and the clouds, provided to me, I continued following the same path with the same patterns of behavior.

The message was supposed to incite wisdom and push me to pick myself up. When the Universe finally stepped in to “fix” things, trust me when I say it wasn’t very pretty.

We are constantly being presented with situations that are intended to remind us of our abilities within.

If changes have to occur on your behalf because you stuck your head in the desert sand and refused to acknowledge or take action, it’s not going to be easy to get through and likely very painful.

As we progress,  and especially if we are resistant, the lessons become more intense…

No one ever said our paths would be paved with complete ease and comfort.  Sometimes we need a little hard truth…a little wake up slap from the Universe.

I honestly believe it’s important for us to utilize every tool we have available in order to look for the road signs that appear along our paths. It’s a great honor to me, knowing that I have methods available to me that our ancestors have passed down for so many generations.

I am so very thankful to be a part of a generation / timeline where these methods are coming to the forefront to be honored and integrated once again.

I respect those around me so much for walking each step of their path fully with the kind of integrity and strength that no words or ‘action movie’ could ever fully embody.

To be so aware of yourself, your thoughts and feelings, as well as those of the people around you while simultaneously trying to pull yourself through some rough and stormy weather…

That takes some serious dedication, honesty, and genuine vulnerability.

Word Prompt: DesertStorm & Clouds

Aimless Wanderer

What are we if not aimless wandering creatures..?

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Constantly searching for the ‘answers’ to questions we don’t even fully grasp the concepts to yet…


What are you deeply passionate about?
What makes your heart sing like a sweet little canary?
What life would you truly love to wake up to every single morning?
What would make you feel less ‘aimless’?

I honestly believe that we all have a unique purpose to fulfill on this planet but it would be entirely too presumptuous of me to even begin to categorize them at all.

A person’s purpose is their own…that’s why we all wander so aimlessly…there’s no possible way we could ask someone for directions to a place we haven’t even begun to think of yet.


To me, what is most beautiful about this infinite Universe, is exactly the fact that things can, at times, be a bit aimless.  That’s where all the adventures happen!

How could we ever experience anything new if we constantly stayed in our patterns of actions each day…no change at all, always doing the exact same things in the same exact places…day in, day out..?  How dull and dreary…  Life was designed to throw a curve-ball at us every now and then, in order to trigger us to evolve and grow as humans.

So of course, at times, we can become a bit lost in our own personal typhoon of stress, emotion and strife.  It is within that very moment when we feel we have no where else to go…not one single option left to save us from our terrifying peril…that we become aimless and confused.

If we’re lucky, it’s only a moment before clarity strikes us like a bolt of lightning sent by Zeus himself.

Unfortunately, there are other times where we can’t get out of it so easily…cursed to wander around aimlessly for weeks…months…or years…like a tumbleweed in an especially dusty breeze.

I feel like we often get ourselves stuck in being the “aimless wanderer” because we are too afraid and resistant of facing our new path head-on…to come to grips with the reality of where we should be headed next.

To tell the truth, I’m still an “aimless wanderer” right now, but I’m not entirely ‘aimless’ anymore… The first step is becoming aware that we have gotten to a point in our lives where we’ve become aimless…then comes learning to face our inner demons and pent up emotions while simultaneously learning about what makes us happy.

Once you discover your happiness…your true purpose…relentlessly chase that dream down.  Never let anyone (even yourself!) tell you that something isn’t possible…everyone’s opinion of your actions and situations are based on their own experiences, perspectives and realities.


Follow your heart, it will lead you straight to your soul.

Written by:

❤ Emily Shultz ❤

Inspired by the Daily Prompt

The Open Door

palmbeach1 Photo Credit: A Hawks Eye View

…Open Mind…Open Heart…

Each one of us has our own secret space somewhere deep in the recesses of our inner minds.  We try for most of our lives to block off that part of ourselves because the mere thought of looking at the things within that dark, unknown space is terrifying.

The door to it is always open, it’s our choice to step through it and explore rather than turning our backs and cowering.

I fully believe that the entire point of our existence is to facilitate healing, growth and evolution…for ourselves…mentally – emotionally – physically – & – spiritually.  When we do the work for ourselves, it automatically travels within the collective consciousness…not just helping others individually but even the Earth herself.

We are light beings…we are all connected…whether we realize it or not, we all feel what the collective feels…when one aspect or perspective shifts, so does the whole.  When I think of all this, I remember a small German phrase that I repeated to myself when I was a teenager: ‘wir atmen wie ein’ which translates to ‘we breath as one’.

We have a duty to honor our hearts – to act with integrity and virtue…to uplift one another…to spread compassion and peace…  The longer we allow our fears to rule us, the longer we will stay stuck in the negative whirlwind this planet is currently plagued by.

For too long, our backs have been turned to that open door in the darkness.  For too long, we’ve been stumbling around this planet, hopelessly lost and feeling victimized.  Now is the time to stop glancing over your shoulders and boldly face the open door head on.  Step into your power, remember who you truly are…heart and soul…  Love is the answer to this hateful plague…Divine Love…  Love in it’s purest and most innocent form.

And so I will state again…face the open door…within the darkness you so dread and fear is your sweet little inner child…lonely…frightened…in desperate need of love to heal those old emotional traumas.  Be brave for the sake of that beautiful soul of yours…by reassuring your inner child, you simultaneously reassure yourself (at your core).

The light and love within your heart will radiate around you, illuminating your path as you step through that open door.  The more you heal and center yourself, the more that light will expand until you are a brilliant beacon of shimmering golden rays… Lighting your way through the darkest of shadows…the most bleak of nights… An inspiration to all who witness you.

Trust yourself…know that you have more inner strength than you could ever imagine…know that you have unseen allies who are constantly working to guide and support you.

Trust that your connection to the Universe is expansive and unlimited.

…we are one…


Today’s post is brought to you in part by:

WordPress’ Daily Prompt!

🙂

Freedom Retreat – Anxiety & PTSD


What in the world is a ‘Freedom Retreat?!

Ironically, I pulled these cards for the blog about 2 months ago.  I think these cards may have been foreshadowing my necessary retreat in order to reestablish my independence and determination, to reignite my spark and passion.  I sat and stared at the screen for hours (over several days) and absolutely nothing came to me as to what I would write about them.  Days turned into weeks and I got a bit derailed…

I would love to say that I’ve been slacking but that honestly just wouldn’t be the case.  Between trying to make some money to pay the bills and feeling like the darkness would finally overwhelm me, the blog post ended up on the back burner.  It’s so difficult when you’re in the midst of that dark, swirling vortex of negative thoughts, emotions and patterns, to uplift yourself.


Daily Test of Strength & Commitment

Every day is a new test of strength and commitment to myself while I experience all the affects of anxiety and PTSD.  Some days are much worse than others, but mostly I’m very happy to survive a day with minimal anxiety and tension.  I’m plagued almost daily by massive migraines and sleepless nights, fearing that the moment I close my eyes, I will again have to bare witness to another possible way for me to be murdered or attacked brutally.

It almost begins to feel like your brain has started to work against you.  The less sleep you have, the more you are susceptible to anxiety and strange visuals, but the more you try to sleep, the more your brain fights it.

You begin to take any opportunity to keep your brain busy that you can…mindless entertainment, endless Facebook scrolling and video watching…even just sitting in the dark listening to loud and obnoxious music until day begins to break.

Anything that will keep those thoughts away from you…anything to get relief from it for a few hours.


Panic Attack!!!

Just a few days ago, I experienced one of the worst panic attacks I’ve had in a very long time.  The kind that keep you from breathing…piling on extra panic because you begin to fear you’ll suffocate.  I was literally curled up on the floor of my room, in the dark…unable to even sob because that would require oxygen, which I was quickly running out of.  Every cell in my body was reacting in fear of the worst (death).  Everyone tells you to focus on your breathing when you begin to have a panic attack…I feel like this is advice from someone who has never really experienced one.

For me, breathing is the worst possible thing for my brain be focused on during an attack…I become so focused on how little my lungs are filling with air, that I am worse off than I was in the first place. I tried to focus on little things in my room…a crystal sitting on the edge of my desk, the fish swimming around in my tank, the ceiling fan…anything that isn’t my breath or my anxiety.  That said, it’s really hard when you’re in the midst of feeling like the entire world is crumbling around you to focus on anything except the debris and fear.

I am truly thankful for the people in my life who try so very hard to understand what I’m going through and do their very best to help and support me but I know in my heart that this is a hurdle that only I can carry myself over, once and for all.

People often handout their bits of advice of how you should handle your anxiety…I honestly believe they’re trying their best to help with the understanding that they have…but I feel that every single person’s anxiety is specific to them.  There isn’t one true way to handle anxiety, PTSD or a panic attack – the reason for a person even having these disorders differs from case to case, so their reactions and triggers are totally unique to them.  There is a bit of a stigma around “PTSD”, that only combat veterans are susceptible to the disorder, but I – and many other men and women – are a testament to how vast and expansive the disorder can really be.

A person could develop PTSD from extended exposure to high levels of stress within an office job – maybe a boss that is constantly flying off the handle – there are those who are rape victims, people who have witnessed any sort of violence, and the list goes on.  Anyone who’s psyche has been pushed to a point of terror for their life (for whatever reason) is susceptible to developing this disorder – it’s all about how a person’s brain and body react to whatever situation they are in.


Healing Mental Trauma Spiritually

I myself do not believe in medicating to “fix” my disorder (but that’s just my personal choice)…I truly wish to heal the root of the problem, not mask it or put myself into a fog, just pretending it’s not an issue anymore.  I will say, however, that this approach has by far been the most difficult path I’ve ever taken in my life.  Every day I wonder if it would just be easier to go to a doctor and get some pills to numb it.  The problem is, I fear using pills to numb myself from a disorder that is literally already numbing me.  How numb can a person become before they are considered to be a walking, talking, breathing zombie?

I want to heal the emotional trauma, not just the physical.  That’s where my interest in the metaphysical and universal energies has come in to play.  Since the day I began researching and learning, connecting with my soul, my emotions, my body, and with source, my anxieties have been greatly lessened.  The number of panic attacks I have now compared to 5 years ago have been more than cut in half.

The key I’ve found is that when you begin to deal with your emotional baggage, heal your old wounds and open your heart…little by little…the anxiety begins to flake away.  The more you love and honor yourself (and your feelings), the less you will feel angry, anxious and fearful.  Now I work to find the patience to stay on this path, to remain steadfast in my healing journey, knowing that the 100% fix isn’t going to happen overnight, or even in the next 3 years.


What was the Point of This Blog Post?!

The main point was to make a blog post but to do so from a place of truth and vulnerability.  A way to explain why it’s been so long but also with the hope that someone reading this could be helped in knowing that they aren’t alone with their own anxiety or PTSD.

I would urge anyone who feels like they are struggling alone to reach out to someone (friend/family) and express yourself.

Be brave, be vulnerable and be willing to do the hard work to heal yourself.

And if you feel like there is no one you can reach out to…PLEASE contact me!  I don’t want anyone in this world to feel like they are suffering alone.  It’s hard enough having gone through whatever trauma you’ve gone through, but in the aftermath, to feel like you are isolated and alone…It breaks my heart more than anyone could ever know.

For those out there that know someone who is suffering with anxiety or PTSD…know that sometimes the best thing you can do is lend your ear…listen to their problems, fears and worries.  Know that just because this person seems to refuse every invitation you extend to them, they still love you wholeheartedly, it only means that they can’t handle being around others because it causes far too much stress and anxiety for them.

Keep trying…keep loving…keep supporting…

 

Thank you for reading and understanding my message today.

Much love and light to you all…….and more blog posts going forward!!!

❤ Emily Shultz ❤

Archangel Sandalphon & The Selkie

 


The question posed to the ‘Oracle of the Mermaids’ and ‘Angels of Atlantis’ today was about a strong feeling of ‘lack’ in the area of emotional support.  Above are the cards that wanted to share their beautiful messages on this subject today.


“Sandalphon: Planetary Cycles

Message from the Guidebook

by Stewart Pearce & Richard Crookes
  • “…Many changes have been prophesied, and many changes are now occurring.  This card invites you to look to your own natural cycles, and see that you are an organic being, living on an organic planet…”
  • “…ask what aspect of your authentic self you are allowing to emerge at this time.  Sandalphon is asking you to reveal how awe-inspiring you are, letting your true self come forth.  Chant ‘Haw’ to stabilize the Earth element within you.”

“Soul Love by Archangel Sandalphon through Phoenix”

The video below from YouTube is a very quick and beautiful way to sit in the energy of Sandalphon, with divine love and music.

“The Selkie & Her SkinReclaiming your authenticity

Message from the Guidebook

by Lucy Cavendish
  • “…the tale of the Selkie is that of a creature who has been captured, who has had their deep wildness tamed, who has in some ways fallen into an amnesiac state simply in order to deal with the loss.  It seems that if you remember all that has been taken from you, your heart could break, and your will could die.”
  • “The Selkie’s is the story for all of us who have forgotten our strength, our freedom, our right to choose again and again our delight in life.”

“The Maiden and the Selkie”

Dive Deep into the Waves of Emotional Authenticity

“Your spiritual progression is not about becoming happy 24 hours a day.  It’s becoming willing to feel.  So, it’s not that we feel better, it’s that we start to be willing to FEEL MORE.  So, we get better at feeling, rather than feel better…” ~ Teal Swan ~

FEEL MORE!!

The Combined Message?

I sense that both mighty Sandalphon and the mystical Selkie came together to answer the I question posed in such a divine dance of love, support, wisdom and guidance.

Sandalphon urges us to dig deep into our feelings and emotions, to honor them and to stand in integrity…to be entirely open with ourselves, reminding us that we will never truly heal the deepest wounds we have if we are afraid of what feelings are lying in wait.  We must examine ourselves and take the necessary steps to get back into alignment with our feelings, with who we truly are…who we wish to be at our core.

It’s time to take the mask down…to be honest with yourself and honor what you are feeling, even if the triggers are from old wounds…the only way you’ll begin to find these things and heal them is by opening yourself up.

The Selkie brought the message that we cannot continue to block out the old issues and wounds because we are afraid that feeling those things will cause us to break or collapse.  She reminds us that we are much stronger than we could ever imagine and urges us to also dig deep within.

Both Sandalphon and the Selkie ask us to remember who we are, that the ’emotional support’ we seek can only radiate from within… to remember that we are connected with this planet in such a beautiful and organic way, that we are just as strong as the Earth and Sun themselves, if only we remain willing to stand in that power…to stand tall in integrity and true authenticity…to bathe in the light of divine love as we allow ourselves to live and be free.

Mermaid’s Magical Mirror


This morning I asked for the mermaid’s advice on a personal crisis that I’ve been experiencing (from Oracle of the Mermaids – Lucy Cavendish).  These three lovely beauties hopped right out from the deck the moment I focused on my question – ‘how can I best handle this situation?’.

On the surface, the cards are whispering a gentle message that I have a support system, that I must allow them to show me the universal mirror, and that I am embarking on a powerful spiritual journey that will lead to many new opportunities for growth and self-discovery.


So, here’s a deeper look at each of the cards, their messages and a bit of my own input…

———–

~ 1 ~

“GUIDE: A guide, mentor, a trustworthy ally.”

Lucy Cavendish‘s Guidebook states that the best guides are those who create strength within and that I will continue to test the waters with many guides, throughout my life, that may or may not resonate with me.

It may also mean a new guide will be arriving soon to help heal and protect; they will be completely and unconditionally loving as well as understanding, helping me to adapt and evolve on this journey.

I’m instructed to keep an open ear and an open mind, but to also be discerning and mindful of how quickly I trust a new guide, to pay close attention to their energy and how I feel.  After a while of testing the waters, they will reveal their true intentions and a wonderful new partnership on my spiritual path will unfold.

———–

~ 2 ~

“THE MIRRORKnow thyself, self-examination, seeing who you really are.”

This card provided a beautiful and profound lesson that really stuck with me:

  • “Water is a great mirror, and the darker it is, the clearer the reflections of the world around it will be. And so it is with life.  The clear mirror we can look into will show us who we appear to be…but the dark mirror, metaphorically, is when life, or the sea, or our feelings become darker, more complex…”

We are reminded again that “…sometimes, we do not always like the truth of what we see in this dark mirror.”

This card can also indicate that I mustn’t hold on to negativity about who I think I am or be so afraid of what I will see when I take that deep gaze within.  This is a beautiful process, a way to truly love ourselves unconditionally.  It is a great sign of strength to be willing to look into the mermaid’s magical mirror so that “we may see what is hidden to the eye of the body, but known to the eyes of the soul…”

———–

~ 3 ~

“IMRAMMA: Wonder voyage, crossing deep waters, pilgrimage, journey of the soul.”

‘Imramma’ is an old word used by the Irish to describe a hero’s sea journey to the ‘Otherworld’ (like Odysseus) and it’s been said that the seashore is actually the border between our world and the God’s.

In essence, the term ‘Imramma’ describes the soul’s journey, an undertaking only attempted by those who truly wish to fulfill their destiny and experience adventures beyond their wildest dreams.  It is an initiation of sorts, for our souls to evolve and expand.

  • “…There will soon be a great voyage for you, where you travel over water to come to a place that your soul has longed to journey to…”
  • “…The Imramma or the pilgrimage over water is one that is watched over by the mermaids – and one that we all must make during our lifetimes…”

The mermaids seemed to be warning that I am not properly addressing my emotions and am disconnecting myself from them as an avoidance tactic.

They are urging me to stop the division between my head and my heart, urging that this will be a crucial aspect of my Imramma.  With their loving assistance, I will be guided and supported on my soul’s journey.

    • “You have long divided yourself into your parts: your emotions you keep so separate from your head. On Imramma, the lines you have so cleanly divided all into will blur.  But all the while we will sing you onwards, calling you forth, so you can continue to follow the journey of the soul…” 

This one actually hit the nail right on the head for me.  Growing up, I learned that expressing my emotions generally only led to more hurt and distress.  For a long time I refused to acknowledge my “lesser” feelings because I saw them as a sign of weakness.  In these past few years, as I began my awakening, I slowly but surely worked towards rediscovering myself, my feelings, and my soul.  This is no small task and I am no way close to considering the process “complete”.

The past few weeks alone have been extremely intense and tumultuous.  Truly the biggest crashing wave of emotions and chaos that I have ever experienced in my life up to now.  It was not in any way easy to find what underlying emotions were causing this situation, my thoughts and feelings.  To stay calm, centered and non-reactive so that I could continue to flow and prosper.

I also pulled a Goddess oracle card and received ‘Medusa’.  The story is that Medusa was a priestess of a temple who had taken a vow  when she had relations with Poseidon and broke her sacred vow of celibacy.  This angered Athena into turning her into the ‘monster’ we’ve perceived her to be for so long.  One look within her eyes would freeze a man and turn him to stone.  As the story goes, when she was killed, Pegasus rose from her blood.

The message that Medusa shares today is that we should never allow the fear of what we might see in the mirror cause us to freeze and turn to stone.  So much synchronicity, that both the Mermaids and Medusa shared the message of fearlessly facing into the mirror, to openly consider our emotional baggage, to see our gifts just as clearly as we would see our flaws.